Groucho Marx Quotes - Page 9

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood

TV is the rat race of the century.

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

I'm not going to pay good money to join a club that lets in people like me.

If you were a man, you'd go into business for yourself. I know a fellow who started out last year with just a canoe. Now he's got more women than you can shake a stick at, if that's your idea of a good time.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.

You're only as young as the woman you feel.

Only if the computers really love each other.

There was no need to inform us of the protocol involved. We were from Chicago and knew all about cement.

Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

Remember, the grass is always greener where you don't happen to be the neighbor.

I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth"