Groucho Marx Quotes - Page 11

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

Thirteen at a table is unlucky only, when the hostess has only twelve chops.

Love had forged ahead so swiftly that in no time it had displaced agriculture as the leading industry of the period. To anyone who has tried both, this wont come as much of a surprise.

Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.

Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life

Home is where you hang your head.

Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.

Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?" "Ahhh, you can't trick me! Flies don't read papers!

The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract-- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?

I'm not much of a correspondent. My letters are not only uninteresting but sparse. I'm glad I don?t have to write for a living. It?s arduous work and the money is very uncertain. On those rare occasions when I wander into a bookstore it amazes me to see the avalanche of literature and semi-literature that is turned out weekly in this country. The people who write these things are either desperate for money or love starved. Why should anyone on a nice balmy day lock oneself in an office and hit a typewriter for hours on end. I think one of the greatest pleasures in the world is not writing.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you.

I came here for a party and what do I get? Nothing. Not even Ice cream.

Obviously there was no point in being a bachelor if his houseman was going to filch his booze. If he was going to get robbed, he might just as well get married.

If he's been married for 31 years, he's not the same man.

Was that you or the duck?

Any place I hang my head is home.

Making love to your wife is like shooting at sitting ducks.

To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx.

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.