Rodney Dangerfield Quotes - Page 15

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.

Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

I don't get no respect

We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).