Rodney Dangerfield Quotes - Page 12

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

School is a place were you go to eat your lunch

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".