Rodney Dangerfield Quotes - Page 14

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

I was a poster child... for birth control!