Rodney Dangerfield Quotes - Page 13

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

I can't get no respect.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.