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George Carlin Quotes - Page 29

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Tonight's forecast: DARK. Continued mostly dark tonight, turning to wildly scattered light in the morning

Tonight's forecast: DARK. Continued mostly dark tonight, turning to wildly scattered light in the morning

Morning, Dark, Light

How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people.

Names, People, Abortion

"Back in Town". Documentary, Comedy, 1996.

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

Holiday, Law, Boring

Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.

Weekend, Amusement, Sometimes

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

Singing, Form, Pleasant

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Wings, Walks

Christian Deodorant: "Thou Shalt Not Smell"

Christian, Humorous, Smell

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

The coke made me incredibly horny.

Horny, Coke, Made

Source: reprints.longform.org

Language always gives you away.

Giving, Language

One philosopher has rightly said that property is theft. But I'd like to use my future ownership of property to give something back.

Giving, Use, Philosopher

Source: reprints.longform.org

Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.

Alzheimer's, Names, Brain

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Funny, Witty, Firsts

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played.

Play, Secret, Needs

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

So I live in Los Angeles, and it's kind of a goofy place. They have an airport named after John Wayne. That ought to explain it. It has a charming kind of superstitious innocence.

Airports, Innocence, Goofy

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.

Paint, Broads, Brushes

I have things that are strident and confrontational, and I have a lot of things that are childlike and innocent and sort of sweet. So, somewhere in between lies the middle of me.

Sweet, Lying, Innocent

"Stand-up comic - Interview". The Progressive Vol. 65 Nbr.7, July 2001.

I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.

Humorous, Thinking, Garbage

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

It's nothing but a big stroke job in this country. The government strokes you every day of your life. Religion never stops stroking you. Big business gives you a good stroke. And it's one big, transcontinental, cross-country, red, white and blue stroke job... Do you know what the national emblem for this country ought to be? Forget that bald eagle. The national emblem of this country ought to be Uncle Sam standing naked at attention saluting, and seated on a chair next to him, the Statue of Liberty jerking him off. That would be a good symbol for the United Strokes of America.

Country, Uncles, Jobs

"George Carlin... It's Bad for Ya!", www.imdb.com. 2008.

I do something about the weather. I stay home.

Home, Weather

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.193, Hachette UK

I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.

Thinking, Church, Cracks

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

I think it keeps the child alive in me. There's a thrill when you steal something in plain view of other people.

Children, Thinking, Views

Source: reprints.longform.org

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.

Funny, Stupid, Humor

George Carlin (2009). “Last Words”, p.132, Simon and Schuster

How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?

Spy, Television, Satellites

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

An art thief is a man who takes pictures.

Art, Humorous, Men

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.

Laughing, Comedian, Audience

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