Groucho Marx Quotes - Page 8

Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder.

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns

Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar.

Mrs. Teasdale congratulates him on his coronation and sovereignty: "The eyes of the world are upon you. Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor. This is a gala day for you." Firefly replies: "Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't think I could handle any more."

Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

The months before my son was born, I used to yell from night to morn, 'Whatever it is, I'm against it! No matter what it is or who commenced it, I'm against it!'

Money cannot buy you happiness, and happiness cannot buy you money. That might be a wise crack, but I doubt it.

A cigar makers organization once said that I was the most famous cigar smoker in the world. I dont know if thats true, but once while visiting Havana, I went to a cigar factory. There were four hundred people there rolling cigars, and when they saw me, they all stood up and applauded.

One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!

Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.

Africa is God's country, and He can have it.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed. Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?" Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.