Groucho Marx Quotes - Page 7

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you

Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.

If they'd lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess, I really believe I'd settle here until the next earthquake.

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... Retire!

I'm gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there'll be no cover charge.

I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn for three days.

Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!

Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers, who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth, or eleven years in Twelveworth.

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it

Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies.

The only game I like to play is "Old Maid", providing she's not too old

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces?

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me