Rodney Dangerfield Quotes - Page 10

My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.