Rodney Dangerfield Quotes - Page 11

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

I have three kids, one of each.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.