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Dave Barry Quotes - Page 32

All Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top.

Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top.

Tanks, Boards, Pilots

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.10, Ballantine Books

You can be the smartest person in the world - which Bill Clinton is, and if he's not, his wife is - and care more than anybody else in the world - which he does, I don't doubt that for a minute. And you can care so much that you're willing to be dishonest - you can tell people one thing but do another because you really know it's for their own good. And you'll still screw it all up. Because the whole premise of what you're doing is wrong!

Wife, People, Doubt

The voice belonged to Mr. Pzyrbovich, an algebra teacher who was always called Mr. P, for obvious reasons. He has a heavy accent, which a lot of kids said made him hard to understand, although to be fair some of these kids would have never understood algebra anyway.

Teacher, Kids, Voice

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture finished and put inside boxes.

Funny, Humor, Cutting

Dave Barry (2001). “All the Dave Barry you could ever want: four classic books in one from America's foremost humorist”

As the saying goes: "If you're not part of the solution, you're a newspaper columnist."

Funny, Journalism, Newspapers

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.147, Ballantine Books

Greyhound Bus Lines motto: "We Stop For Some Damn Thing Every 200 Yards."

Funny, Travel, Yards

You must prepare yourselves, young people, because Uncle Dave's generation is getting old. We are almost ready to go to the retirement home to spend the rest of our days tapping our bedpans rhythmically in time to "easy listening" rock 'n' roll. We must pass the torch on to you, and you must grasp it, ideally by the end that is not on fire.

Retirement, Uncles, Home

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.

Country, Flipping A Coin, Complaining

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

Crazy, Reading, Literature

Smee! Raise the Ladies!

Raises

Another important rule of affair-having: Never be discreet at the office.

Office, Important, Affair

Dave Barry (2001). “All the Dave Barry you could ever want: four classic books in one from America's foremost humorist”

Like all writers, my greatest inspiration, my ultimate muse, is a deadline.

Inspiration, Muse, Deadline

"Secrets of a Two-Time Pulitzer Winner". Interview with Michael Mechanic, www.motherjones.com. June 30, 2010.

I think I became funny because I grew up in the Bronx. I was small and weak and Jewish instead of large and fierce and Puerto Rican. You need something.

Thinking, Needs, Fierce

"Secrets of a Two-Time Pulitzer Winner". Interview with Michael Mechanic, www.motherjones.com. June 30, 2010.

Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? It's not his money.

Humorous, Sweat, Giving

There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: passive systems collect the sunlight that hits your home, and active systems collect the sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.

Humorous, Home, Two

...Hell, which as every frequent traveler knows, is in Concourse D of O'Hare Airport.

Airports, Hell, Hares

He was distracted by a giggle, and turned to see a rare sight: a girl.

Girl, Sight, Giggle

If Black Stache laughed, you laughed. If he snarled, you snarled. If he breathed in your direction, you ran for cover.

Black, Ran, Laughed

The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves look silly is called the comb over.

Silly, Men, Looks

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Turns Forty”, p.26, Ballantine Books

...when the armed robber of unhappiness knocks over the Keebler cookie display of our complacency, and bangs the samurai sword of negativity on the checkout counter of our dreams, we must not be afraid to hurl the fruit cocktail can of hope.

Dream, Negativity, Bangs

If Peter was nine, and a new boy came to St. Norbert’s Home for Wayward Boys who said he was ten, why, then, Peter would declare himself eleven. Also, he could spit the farthest. That made him the undisputed leader.

Home, Boys, Leader

Someone was tapping on the window.

Window, Tapping

"'I woke up in a cell covered in blood with slashes on my chest from the seat belt impact,' says drink drive teen" by Steve Myall, www.mirror.co.uk. November 15, 2016.

Can we move this conversation along, I'm getting frightfully tired of 'hoa'.

Moving, Tired, Conversation

If Mozart had power tools, there's no telling how great his music might have been.

Tools, Might, Has Beens

If you answered, ''Spin the Bottle,'' then I frankly do not want to know any more about your childhood.

Childhood, Bottles, Want

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