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Dave Barry Quotes about Children

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A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.

Inspirational, Children, Perfect Parents

A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.

Children, Political, Training

Dave Barry (1984). “Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home”, p.75, Rodale

My theory is that there is a finite amount of intelligence in a family, and you're supposed to gradually transfer it to your children over a period of many years. This is why your parents started to get so stupid just at the time in your life when you were getting really smart.

Funny, Children, Smart

Dave Barry (1984). “Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home”, p.72, Rodale

Baby's room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some sleep, in which case baby's room should be in Peru.

Funny, Baby, Children

Dave Barry (1984). “Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home”, p.19, Rodale

Until I became a parent, I thought children just naturally knew how to catch a ball, that catching was an instinctive biological reflex that all children are born with, like knowing how to operate a remote control or getting high fevers in distant airports.

Funny, Baby, Children

Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

Never allow a child to spend all of his allowance. Insist that he set aside a certain amount of money every week and put it in a safe place, where you can get it if you need to buy beer.

Children, Beer, Needs

Dave Barry (2006). “Dave Barry's Money Secrets: Like: Why Is There a Giant Eyeball on the Dollar?”, p.88, Crown Archetype

Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several years trying to kill themselves. If your home contains a sharp, toxic object, your baby will locate it; if your home contains no such object, your baby will try to obtain one via mail order.

Funny, Baby, Children

Dave Barry (1984). “Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home”, p.18, Rodale

If you're like most members of the Baby Boom generation, you decided somewhere along the line, probably after about four margaritas, to have children. This was inevitable. Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income.

Mother, Baby, Children

Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.

Funny, Sarcastic, Children

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

Children, Believe, College

Dave Barry (2013). “My Teenage Son's Goal in Life Is to Make Me Feel 3,500 Years Old: and Other Thoughts on Parenting from Dave Barry”, p.85, Andrews McMeel Publishing

You can't have a bad time at Disney World. It's not allowed. They have hidden electronic surveillance cameras everywhere, and if they catch you failing to laugh with childlike wonder, they lock you inside a costume representing a beloved Disney character such as Goofy and make you walk about in the Florida heat getting grabbed and leaped on by violently excited children until you have learned your lesson.

Funny, Children, Humor

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.56, Ballantine Books

I read the whole Jack Reacher series by Lee Child. They don't take long.

Children, Long, Whole

Source: www.bostonglobe.com

But from the perspective of the aging parent, there is no major difference between four and fifteen, except that when your child is four, his motoring privileges are restricted to little toy Fisher-Price vehicles which are unlikely (although I would not totally rule it out in America) to sue you.

Children, Differences, America

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.168, Ballantine Books

... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.

Children, Humorous, Holiday

Today's toys contain computer chips, so they can move and talk; this stimulates the mind of your child. Notice I say "your child." MY child just wants to eat the toys.

Funny, Baby, Children

Dave Barry (2003). “Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism”, p.84, Crown Archetype

Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

God, Children, Turkeys

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

Children, Fear, Example

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.53, Ballantine Books

I've never actually given birth to a child, but I suspect that going to a Justin Bieber concert with a child is close.

Children, Birth, Given

"Dave Barry on Bieber, 'Fifty Shades' and Jane Austen". Interview with Bob Minzesheimer, www.usatoday.com. March 5, 2014.

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