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Dave Barry Quotes about Funny

All Dave Barry Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny quotes Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

Inspirational, Funny, Life

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.

Funny, Marriage, Humor

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Funny, Hilarious, Health

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

Inspirational, Funny, Fitness

I bought Windows 2.0, Windows 3.0, Windows 3.1415926, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows ME, Windows RSVP, The Best of Windows, Windows Strikes Back, Windows Does Dallas, and Windows Let's All Buy Bill Gates a House the Size of Vermont.

Funny, Humor, House

Dave Barry (2003). “Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism”, p.177, Crown Archetype

I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.

Funny, Music, Hate

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Does Japan”, p.117, Ballantine Books

The best time to go to Disney World, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962.

Funny, Humor, World

What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series.

Funny, Respect, Women

Dave Barry (2001). “All the Dave Barry you could ever want: four classic books in one from America's foremost humorist”

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

Funny, Art, Humorous

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.131, Ballantine Books

Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with.

Funny, Humorous, Food

Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.

Funny, Humor, Men

Dave Barry (1985). “Dave Barry's Stay Fit and Healthy Until You're Dead”, p.60, Rodale

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Funny, Hilarious, Witty

Dave Barry (2013). “My Teenage Son's Goal in Life Is to Make Me Feel 3,500 Years Old: and Other Thoughts on Parenting from Dave Barry”, p.100, Andrews McMeel Publishing

A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas today, because of equipment problems at O'Hare, you can't get there at all.

Funny, New York, Humorous

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.9, Ballantine Books

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth ? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.

Funny, Humor, Science

My theory is that there is a finite amount of intelligence in a family, and you're supposed to gradually transfer it to your children over a period of many years. This is why your parents started to get so stupid just at the time in your life when you were getting really smart.

Funny, Children, Smart

Dave Barry (1984). “Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home”, p.72, Rodale

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Inspirational, Funny, Sports

Dave Barry (1985). “Dave Barry's Stay Fit and Healthy Until You're Dead”, p.32, Rodale

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Funny, Humor, Science

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.48, Crown Archetype

What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.

Funny, Technology, Needs

Twitter post from Jun 16, 2009

In my experience, you run into trouble when you ask a group of beer-drinking men to perform any task more complex than remembering not to light the filter ends of cigarettes.

Funny, Running, Humorous

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.86, Ballantine Books

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.

Funny, Zero, Humorous

I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.

Funny, Humorous, Food

Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down”, p.94, Ballantine Books

You should never pick up a newspaper when you're feeling good, because every newspaper has a special department, called the Bummer Desk, which is responsible for digging up depressing front-page stories.

Funny, Depressing, Feel Good

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up”, p.21, Ballantine Books

For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).

Funny, Humor, Loss

Dave Barry (2003). “Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism”, p.147, Crown Archetype

The method (of learning Japanese) recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family, in Japan. And even then it's not easy.

Funny, Baby, Humorous

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Does Japan”, p.20, Ballantine Books

I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about.

Funny, Travel, New York

Twitter post from May 03, 2010

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