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Dave Barry Quotes about Funny - Page 7

All Dave Barry Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny quotes Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

Funny, Business, Humor

"Your Guide to Self-Directed". Book by Daniel Cordoba. p. 197, September 19, 2008.

They have a lot of trouble with pronunciation, because they can't move their jaw muscles, because of malnutrition caused by wisely refusing to eat English food, much of which was designed and manufactured in medieval times during the reign of King Walter the Mildly Disturbed.

Funny, Kings, Humorous

Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you a tetanus shot.

Funny, Humorous, Doctors

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.25, Ballantine Books

As a professional journalist, I have always been fascinated by people who appear to have even more spare time than I do.

Funny, People, Journalism

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.83, Crown Archetype

For the benefit of those of you who have real jobs and are not involved in the news business, I should first explain that . . .

Funny, Jobs, Real

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.4, Ballantine Books

...Terry Jackson, who is the Miami Herald's automotive writer and TV critic. That's correct: This man gets paid to drive new cars AND watch television. If he ever dies and goes to heaven, it's going to be a big let down.

Funny, Men, Car

Dave Barry (2003). “Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism”, p.100, Crown Archetype

By today's beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker.

Funny, Beauty, Oil

Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down”, p.168, Ballantine Books

Remember how he handled the Iran-contra Never Ending Scandal from Hell? He went on national television, the President of the United States, and said it wasn't his fault, because he was not aware, at the time, of what his foreign policy was.

Funny, Iran, President

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Turns Forty”, p.175, Ballantine Books

Here's a man who was twice elected to the most powerful position on Earth despite needing a TelePrompTer to correctly identify what year it was.

Funny, Powerful, Men

Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

Another foreign-policy triumph for Reagan was his 1984 visit to China, where he met for more than three hours with Mao Zedong before realizing that Mao was dead.

Funny, Triumph, Three

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States”, p.170, Ballantine Books

Epcot Center also features pavilions built by various foreign nations, where you can experience an extremely realistic simulation of what life in these nations would be like if they consisted almost entirely of restaurants and souvenir stores.

Funny, Humor, Epcot

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.60, Ballantine Books

What gets me is, I waited in line for an hour to do this. I could have experienced essentially the same level of enjoyment merely by sticking my finger down my throat.

Funny, Humor, Levels

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.61, Ballantine Books

Nobody is excused from the excellence trend. Babies are not excused. Starting right after they get out of the womb, modern babies are exposed to instructional flashcards designed to make them the best babies they can possibly be, so they can get into today's competitive preschools. Your eighties baby sees so many flashcards that he never gets an unobstructed view of his parents' faces. As an adult, he'll carry around a little wallet card that says "7x9=63," because it will remind him of mother.

Funny, Mother, Baby

Earnest is our dog. She senses instantly that something is wrong, and guided by that timeless and unerring nurturing instinct that all female dogs have, she tries to lick my ears off.

Funny, Dog, Humorous

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.38, Ballantine Books

My point here, young couples, is that baby-having is extremely serious business, and you probably don't have the vaguest idea what you're doing, as is evidenced by the fact that you're reading a very sloppy and poorly researched book.

Funny, Baby, Couple

Dave Barry (1984). “Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home”, p.2, Rodale

Never trust anything you read in a travel article. Travel articles appear in publications that sell large, expensive advertisements to tourism-related industries, and these industries do not wish to see articles with headlines like: URUGUAY: DON'T BOTHER.

Funny, Travel, Wish

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.262, Ballantine Books

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture finished and put inside boxes.

Funny, Humor, Cutting

Dave Barry (2001). “All the Dave Barry you could ever want: four classic books in one from America's foremost humorist”

As the saying goes: "If you're not part of the solution, you're a newspaper columnist."

Funny, Journalism, Newspapers

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.147, Ballantine Books

Greyhound Bus Lines motto: "We Stop For Some Damn Thing Every 200 Yards."

Funny, Travel, Yards

Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you.

Funny, Travel, People

Twitter post from May 05, 2011

Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do again if you get married. The fun stops with marriage because you're trying to save money for when you split up your property.

Funny, Mean, Dating

There's an old saying among scientific guys: "You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs, ideally by dropping a cement truck on them from a crane."

Funny, Science, Eggs

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