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Dave Barry Quotes about Funny - Page 4

All Dave Barry Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny quotes Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

I, alone, could never have produced this book. I say this mainly in case there are lawsuits.

I, alone, could never have produced this book. I say this mainly in case there are lawsuits.

Funny, Book, Reading

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.9, Ballantine Books

After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression.

Funny, War, Humorous

Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway”, p.73, Ballantine Books

This (French-Kissing) is a really sexy thing to do, according to the French people, although you should bear in mind that they also like to eat snails.

Funny, Sexy, Humorous

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

Funny, Mom, Baby

Dave Barry (2001). “All the Dave Barry you could ever want: four classic books in one from America's foremost humorist”

The Democrats believe that if God did not want them to raise taxes, He would not have created the Internal Revenue Service.

Funny, Humorous, Party

"Dave Barry's Bad Habits". Book by Dave Barry, September 15, 1993.

The planes are crowded and noisy and late, and everybody hates everybody. If armed terrorists had tried to hijack any of the flights I've been on lately, we passengers would have swiftly beaten them to death with those hard rolls you get with your in-flight meals.

Funny, Hate, Humorous

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.127, Ballantine Books

I have read that, on the average, the Japanese are getting taller, but at the moment they seem to be about the same height as American junior-high-school students, only with fewer guns.

Funny, Humorous, School

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Does Japan”, p.40, Ballantine Books

I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor - I'm talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt.

Funny, Humor, Talking

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry in Cyberspace”, p.76, Ballantine Books

I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.

Funny, Sarcastic, Children

Airline food is not intended for human consumption. It's intended as a form of in-flight entertainment, wherein the object is to guess what it is, starting with broad categories such as "mineral" and "linoleum."

Funny, Humorous, Food

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.39, Ballantine Books

Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism.

Funny, Jobs, Writing

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.48, Ballantine Books

The central point of this final chapter is that - follow my logic carefully here - unless you die, you will continue to get older. (It's insights like this that separate the professional book author from the person with a real job.)

Funny, Jobs, Real

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Turns Forty”, p.171, Ballantine Books

Spain travel tip: If bathroom genders are indicated by flamingos, the boy flamingo is the one with a hat. I learned this the hard way.

Funny, Travel, Boys

Twitter post from Jul 10, 2009

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

Funny, Witty, Block

The Japanese eat, sleep, and breathe golf; the only thing they don't do is actually play it, because to get on a course, you have to make a reservation roughly 137 years in advance, which means that by the time you actually get to the first tee you are deceased. Of course, in golf this is not really a handicap.

Funny, Humorous, Mean

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Does Japan”, p.144, Ballantine Books

Nevada has a very dynamic economy, with gambling being the number-one industry, followed closely by blood donorship.

Funny, Humorous, Gambling

Fortunately the boat we rented had a motor in it You will definitely want this feature on your sailboat too, because if you put up the sails, the boat tips way over, and you could spill your beer.

Funny, Beer, Sailing

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.226, Ballantine Books

It was not easy victory in the America Cup. Our boys spent years experimenting with different designs for their boat before they came up with the innovative idea of having a submerged nuclear submarine tow it.

Funny, Boys, Years

Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

You can't have a bad time at Disney World. It's not allowed. They have hidden electronic surveillance cameras everywhere, and if they catch you failing to laugh with childlike wonder, they lock you inside a costume representing a beloved Disney character such as Goofy and make you walk about in the Florida heat getting grabbed and leaped on by violently excited children until you have learned your lesson.

Funny, Children, Humor

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.56, Ballantine Books

The Soviet Union at this time was being run by the Communists, a group of men fierce in their dedication to wearing hilariously bad suits. Their leader was Josef Stalin (Russian for "Joey Bananas")

Funny, Running, Humorous

Dave Barry (1997). “Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States”

The Hawaiian Islands were discovered by hardy Polynesian sailors, who crossed thousands of miles of open ocean in primitive canoes, braving violent storm-tossed seas for months at a time. My family and I arrived by modern commercial aviation, which was infinitely worse.

Funny, Humorous, Ocean

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.107, Crown Archetype

The Japanese tend to communicate via nuance and euphemism, often leaving important things unsaid; whereas Americans tend to think they're being subtle when they refrain from grabbing the listener by the shirt.

Funny, Humorous, Thinking

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Does Japan”, p.35, Ballantine Books

I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

Funny, Weed, Humorous

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.147, Crown Archetype

I feel that nasal spray is a wondrous medical achievement, because it is supposed to relieve nasal congestion, and by gadfrey, it relieves nasal congestion. What I'm saying is that it actually works, which is something you can say about very few other aspects of the medical establishment.

Funny, Humorous, Doctors

Dave Barry (1989). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, Ballantine Books

You've read newspaper stories about elderly widows who die and leave their entire estates to their pet cats, right? Well, your cat reads those stories too, and has spent most of its skulking, devious little life dreaming about inheriting all your money.

Funny, Dream, Humor

Dave Barry (1984). “Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home”, p.56, Rodale

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