Rodney Dangerfield Quotes - Page 9

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.