Rodney Dangerfield Quotes - Page 7

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

My wife gives good headache.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.