Rodney Dangerfield Quotes - Page 8

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.