Rodney Dangerfield Quotes - Page 3

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.