Rodney Dangerfield Quotes - Page 5

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.

What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.