Rodney Dangerfield Quotes - Page 4

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.