Rodney Dangerfield Quotes - Page 2

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.