Rodney Dangerfield Quotes - Page 6

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.