Funny Quotes - Page 51

It is a mistake to regard age as a downhill grade toward dissolution. The reverse is true. As one grows older, one climbs with surprising strides.

They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style.

Any damn fool can navigate the world sober. It takes a really good sailor to do it drunk.

Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression, 'As pretty as an airport.

Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Never mistake legibility for communication.

Oldtimers, weekends, and airplane landings are alike. If you can walk away from them, they're successful.

If you fake the funk, your nose will grow.

The best things in life are free - and $19.95.

Even pearls are dark before the whiteness of his teeth.

Ever consider what pets must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!

Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part.

Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates.

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.

The only way to spend New Year's Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears.

I can think of no better way of redeeming this tragic world today than love and laughter. Too many of the young have forgotten how to laugh, and too many of the elders have forgotten how to love. Would not our lives be lightened if only we could all learn to laugh more easily at ourselves and to love one another?

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

Every year on your birthday, you get a chance to start new.

There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.