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Dave Barry Quotes - Page 3

All Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

Meetings are places where dead ideas rise from their graves and eat the brains of the living.

Meetings are places where dead ideas rise from their graves and eat the brains of the living.

Ideas, Brain, Graves

What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series.

Funny, Respect, Women

Dave Barry (2001). “All the Dave Barry you could ever want: four classic books in one from America's foremost humorist”

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

Dog, Animal, Car

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.118, Crown Archetype

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

People, Age, There Comes A Time

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

Birthday, Simple, Men

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.264, Ballantine Books

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

Respect, Funny Inspirational, Party

"Is Findlay’s water safe?". "The Courier" Interview, thecourier.com. February 15, 2016.

One popular new plastic surgery technique is called lip grafting, or 'fat recycling,' wherein fat cells are removed from one part of your body that is too large, such as your buttocks, and injected into your lips. People will then be literally kissing ass.

Kissing, Cells, People

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Book, Drinking, Beer

Dave Barry (2012). “The Greatest Invention in the History of Mankind Is Beer: And Other Manly Insights from Dave Barry”, p.112, Andrews McMeel Publishing

The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the next six thousand years, to even things up. The trouble is that men, over the years, have developed an inflated notion of the importance of everything they do, so that before long they would turn housework into just as much of a charade as business is now. They would hire secretaries and buy computers and fly off to housework conferences in Bermuda, but they'd never clean anything.

Men, Years, Long

Dave Barry (2012). “The Greatest Invention in the History of Mankind Is Beer: And Other Manly Insights from Dave Barry”, p.30, Andrews McMeel Publishing

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

Funny, Art, Humorous

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.131, Ballantine Books

I argue very well. Just ask any of my remaining friends.

Arguing, Wells, Asks

When your Super Bowl guests arrive, they should find a mound of potato chips large enough to conceal a pony sitting in front of the television. For nutritional balance, you should also put out a bowl of carrot sticks. If you have no carrot sticks, you can use pinecones, or used electrical fuses, because nobody will eat them anyway. This is no time for nutritional balance: This is the Super Bowl, for God's sake.

Balance, Sticks, Ponies

There's nothing wrong with enjoying looking at the surface of the ocean itself, except that when you finally see what goes on underwater,you realize that you've been missing the whole point of the ocean. Staying on the surface all the time is like going to the circus and staring at the outside of the tent.

Beach, Ocean, Sea

Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with.

Funny, Humorous, Food

Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.

Funny, Humor, Men

Dave Barry (1985). “Dave Barry's Stay Fit and Healthy Until You're Dead”, p.60, Rodale

Some [soccer] players suffer four or five fatal injuries per game. That's how tough they are.

Soccer, Player, Games

Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves and the teacher says: Imagine what it does to your TEETH! So Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to improve.

Teacher, Couple, Humorous

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

Witty, Time, Compelling Reason

Dave Barry (1999). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Random House Digital, Inc.

It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta

Income, Irs, Taxation

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Funny, Hilarious, Witty

Dave Barry (2013). “My Teenage Son's Goal in Life Is to Make Me Feel 3,500 Years Old: and Other Thoughts on Parenting from Dave Barry”, p.100, Andrews McMeel Publishing

I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.

Inspiring, Weight Loss, Years

A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas today, because of equipment problems at O'Hare, you can't get there at all.

Funny, New York, Humorous

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.9, Ballantine Books

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth ? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.

Funny, Humor, Science

As sensitive and broad-minded humans, we must never allow ourselves to be in any way judgmental of the religious practices of other people, even when these people clearly are raving space loons.

Religious, Space, Practice

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up”, p.47, Ballantine Books

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

Objectivity, Literature, Littles

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