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Dave Barry Quotes - Page 4

All Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

My theory is that there is a finite amount of intelligence in a family, and you're supposed to gradually transfer it to your children over a period of many years. This is why your parents started to get so stupid just

My theory is that there is a finite amount of intelligence in a family, and you're supposed to gradually transfer it to your children over a period of many years. This is why your parents started to get so stupid just at the time in your life when you were getting really smart.

Funny, Children, Smart

Dave Barry (1984). “Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home”, p.72, Rodale

During the warm season (August 8 and 9), Maine is a true vacation paradise, offering visitors a chance to jump into crystal-clear mountain lakes and see if they can get back out again before their bodily tissue is frozen as solid as a supermarket turkey.

Vacation, Lakes, Offering

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.80, Ballantine Books

Albert Einstein, who discovered that a tiny amount of mass is equal to a huge amount of energy, which explains why, as Einstein himself so eloquently put it in a famous 1939 speech to the Physics Department at Princeton, 'You have to exercise for a week to work off the thigh fat from a single Snickers.'

Exercise, Snickers, Tiny

Dave Barry (1999). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Random House Digital, Inc.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Inspirational, Funny, Sports

Dave Barry (1985). “Dave Barry's Stay Fit and Healthy Until You're Dead”, p.32, Rodale

The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses.

Humorous, Glasses, Cake

I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.

Sports, Cheating, Differences

Dave Barry (2003). “Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism”, p.46, Crown Archetype

The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning “ability to,” and bics, meaning “withstand tremendous boredom.

Sarcastic, Fitness, Sarcasm

Dave Barry (1985). “Dave Barry's Stay Fit and Healthy Until You're Dead”, p.13, Rodale

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

People, Accomplishment, Annoying

Dave Barry (1999). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Random House Digital, Inc.

Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.

Business, Self, Organization

Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

I tell people view the federal government as a source of entertainment. It's a lot easier.

Government, Views, People

Source: www.writersdigest.com

I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: “How can I get in on that?

Productive Work, People, Sound

Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.

Dad, Naps, Funny Fathers Day

Twitter post from Jun 21, 2009

As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.

Marriage, Party, Talking

Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.

Writing, Despair, Elements

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Funny, Humor, Science

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.48, Crown Archetype

There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.

Lines, Hobbies, Mental Illness

Dave Barry (1998). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Crown

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

Travel, Rain, Opportunity

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.158, Ballantine Books

DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables.

Dna, Abbreviations, Strings

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.146, Ballantine Books

Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard.

Dog, Yards, Events

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.120, Crown Archetype

Computers are getting smarter all the time. Scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (And by 'they', I mean 'computers'. I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)

Mean, Technology, Doubt

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

Silly, Book, Cute Life

"Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.

Country, Scotland, America

Dave Barry (1991). “Dave Barry's guide to life”, Random House Value Publishing

The French are not rude. They just happen to hate you. But that is no reason to bypass this beautiful country, whose master chefs have a well-deserved worldwide reputation for trying to trick people into eating snails. Nobody is sure how this got started. Probably a couple of French master chefs were standing around one day, and they found a snail, and one of them said: 'I bet that if we called this something like `escargot,' tourists would eat it.' Then they had hearty laugh, because 'escargot' is the French word for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm.'

Beautiful, Country, Couple

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.127, Ballantine Books

Technology is constantly improving our lives. Look at the cellular telephone. Just ten years ago, virtually nobody was able to get into a car crash caused by trying to steer and dial at the same time; today, people do this all the time.

Technology, Years, People

Dave Barry (1994). “Dave Barry's Gift Guide to End All Gift Guides”, Crown Pub

When my generation was your age, we took crazy risks. The wildest thing was - prepare to be shocked - we deliberately ingested carbohydrates!

Inspirational, Crazy, Risk

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