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Dave Barry Quotes - Page 2

All Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

God, Ice, Stupidity

Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.

Spring, Thinking, Self

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.2, Ballantine Books

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.

Funny, Marriage, Humor

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

Baby, Cells, Eggs

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal in the world, with a speed of 120 mph, is a cow dropped out of a helicopter.

Science, Animal, Mph

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Funny, Hilarious, Health

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

Inspirational, Funny, Fitness

Each year, millions of skiers come to Colorado to experience its superb emergency medical facilities.

Years, Colorado, Emergencies

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

Light, Three, Paper

There are two kinds of people in this world, and I am one of them.

Inspiring, Sunshine, Two

If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the Beverly Hillbillies.

Music, Song, Two

Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

I bought Windows 2.0, Windows 3.0, Windows 3.1415926, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows ME, Windows RSVP, The Best of Windows, Windows Strikes Back, Windows Does Dallas, and Windows Let's All Buy Bill Gates a House the Size of Vermont.

Funny, Humor, House

Dave Barry (2003). “Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism”, p.177, Crown Archetype

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

Fun, Drinking, Book

"Vegetable Magnetism" by Dave Barry, www.washingtonpost.com. March 17, 1991.

Dogs would make totally incompetent criminals. If you could somehow get a group of dogs to understand the concept of the Kennedy assassination, they would all immediately confess to it. Whereas you'll never see a cat display any kind of guilty behavior, despite the fact that several cats were seen in Dallas on the grassy knoll area, not that I wish to start rumors.

Dog, Cat, Wish

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Powerful, Pay The Price, Civilization

Dave Barry (1998). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Crown

I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.

Funny, Music, Hate

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Does Japan”, p.117, Ballantine Books

The best time to go to Disney World, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962.

Funny, Humor, World

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Dance, Ballet Class, Dancing

Dave Barry (1998). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Crown

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

Witty, Powerful, Reality

"How Do You Light a Fart?: And 150 Other Essential Things Every Guy Should Know about Science". Book by Bobby Mercer, 2009.

Unlike cats dogs never scratch you when you wash them. They just become very sad and try to figure out what they did wrong.

Dog, Cat, Trying

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

Sports, Football, Winter

You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, 'My GOSH, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!

Dog, Giving, Intelligence

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"

Christmas, Christian, Atheist

"Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" by Dave Barry, www.davebarry.com.

A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.

Children, Political, Training

Dave Barry (1984). “Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home”, p.75, Rodale

You should not confuse your career with your life.

Work, Farewell, Careers

Dave Barry (1998). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Crown

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