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Dave Barry Quotes about Funny - Page 2

All Dave Barry Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny quotes Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that hmmmm noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say UH-oh!

The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!"

Funny, School, Humor

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.224, Crown Archetype

Here in Miami, on weekends, amusement-seekers will come to the marina, set up folding chairs, and spend a highly entertaining day watching boat owners perform comical maneuvers such as forgetting to set their parking brakes and having their cars roll down the ramp and disappear, burbling gaily, below the surface.

Funny, Weekend, Car

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.88, Crown Archetype

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

Funny, Sports, Humor

When I say "dogs", I'm talking about dogs, which are large, bounding, salivating animals, usually with bad breath. I am not talking about those little squeaky things you can hold on your lap and carry around. Zoologically speaking, these are not dogs at all; they are members of the pillow family.

Funny, Dog, Humorous

The Russians will never be able to get their missiles thought the dense protective layer of delayed flights circling over the United States in complex, puke-inducing holding patterns.

Funny, Humorous, Food

One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium.

Funny, Humorous, Keys

Dave Barry (1997). “Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States”

Baby's room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some sleep, in which case baby's room should be in Peru.

Funny, Baby, Children

Dave Barry (1984). “Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home”, p.19, Rodale

Europeans, like some Americans, drive on the right side of the road, except in England, where they drive on both sides of the road; Italy, where they drive on the sidewalk; and France, where if necessary they will follow you right into the hotel lobby.

Funny, Humorous, Hotel Lobby

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.114, Ballantine Books

Until I became a parent, I thought children just naturally knew how to catch a ball, that catching was an instinctive biological reflex that all children are born with, like knowing how to operate a remote control or getting high fevers in distant airports.

Funny, Baby, Children

Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

Derangement is the only possible explanation for owning a cat, an animal whose preferred mode of communication is to sink its claws three-quarters of an inch into your flesh.

Funny, Communication, Humor

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.127, Crown Archetype

He's a boating enthusiast, although that phrase seems too weak to describe the level of his interest, kind of like describing someone as a heroin fancier.

Funny, Sailing, Phrases

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up”, p.118, Ballantine Books

Mousse was a Labrador retriever, which is a large enthusiastic bulletproof species of dog made entirely from synthetic materials. This is the kind of dog that, if it takes an interest in your personal regions (which of course it does) you cannot fend it off with a blowtorch.

Funny, Dog, Humorous

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.127, Crown Archetype

This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill Person School.

Funny, School, Mean

"Dave Barry's Greatest Hits". Book by Dave Barry, 1988.

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

Funny, Stupid, Science

Don't get me wrong. I like Disney World. The rest rooms are clean enough for neurosurgery, and the employees say things like "Howdy, folks!" and actually seem to mean it. You wonder: Where do they get these people? My guess: 1952. I think old Walt realized, way back then, that there would eventually be a shortage of cheerful people, so he put all the residents of south western Nebraska into a giant freezer with a huge picture of Jiminy Cricket on the outside, and the corporation has been thawing them out as needed ever since.

Funny, Humor, Mean

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.69, Crown Archetype

I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including: Both of your socks should always be the same color, Or they should at least both be fairly dark.

Funny, Fashion, Humor

And what is the Scientific Community doing about these problems, young people? THEY'RE CLONING SHEEP. Great! Just what we need! Sheep that look MORE ALIKE than they already do! Thanks a lot, Scientific Community!

Funny, Animal, Sheep

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

Funny, Humor, Mean

To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver.

Funny, Block, Moving

Twitter post from May 22, 2009

Today's beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip.

Funny, Media, Paper

Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down”, p.168, Ballantine Books

This book is dedicated to Wilbur and Orville Wright, without whom air sickness would still be just a dream.

Funny, Dream, Humorous

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.5, Ballantine Books

One night in Tokyo we watched two Japanese businessmen saying good-night to each other after what had clearly been a long night of drinking, a major participant sport in Japan. These men were totally snockered, having reached the stage of inebriation wherein every air molecule that struck caused them to wobble slightly, but they still managed to behave more formally than Americans do at funerals.

Funny, Good Night, Sports

As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight.

Funny, Bird, Aviation

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

Funny, Life, Humorous

Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O'Hare.

Funny, Humorous, Food

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