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Dave Barry Quotes about Funny - Page 3

All Dave Barry Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny quotes Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

Funny, Humorous, America

England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English.

Funny, Country, Humorous

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.122, Ballantine Books

In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes.

Funny, Humorous, Food

The issue we are reluctant to talk about is even more sensitive than condoms. The issue - and I will try to be tasteful here - is that sometimes it seems like maybe the president of the United States is kind of dumb. If you get what I mean. What I mean is, I am not totally confident that the president would get what I mean, unless several aides explained it to him. And even then, he might forget.

Funny, Mean, Issues

Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security.

Funny, Humorous, Food

Dave Barry (2003). “Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism”, p.182, Crown Archetype

Modern cyberspace is a deadly festering swamp, teeming with dangerous programs such as 'viruses,' 'worms,' 'Trojan horses' and 'licensed Microsoft software' that can take over your computer and render it useless.

Funny, Horse, Humor

Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several years trying to kill themselves. If your home contains a sharp, toxic object, your baby will locate it; if your home contains no such object, your baby will try to obtain one via mail order.

Funny, Baby, Children

Dave Barry (1984). “Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home”, p.18, Rodale

Yet another spunky li'l NASA robot lands and begins transmitting back photographs of rocks that appear virtually identical to the rock photos beamed back by all the other spunky li'l NASA robots, thus confirming suspicions that the universe has a LOT of rocks in it.

Funny, Science, Rocks

Dave Barry (2007). “Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)”, p.108, Penguin

Elsewhere in Italy is the lovely city of Venice, which each year attracts millions of visitors despite the fact that it is basically an enormous open sewer.

Funny, Humorous, Italian

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.143, Ballantine Books

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

Funny, Hilarious, Women

Dave Barry (2012). “The Greatest Invention in the History of Mankind Is Beer: And Other Manly Insights from Dave Barry”, p.35, Andrews McMeel Publishing

The president, apparently, was so totally unaware of where his foreign policy was that he had to appoint a distinguished commission to help him locate it, and when the commissioners called him in to testify, he told them, essentially, that he couldn't remember what it looked like. Now, if Richard Nixon had claimed something like that you would at least have had the comfort of knowing he was lying. You could trust Nixon that way. But with this president, you have this nagging feeling that he's telling the truth.

Funny, Lying, Knowing

Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

There are a number of people without whom I could not have written this book, but I hope you don't hold that against them. They are all fine people, and they had no idea how it would turn out.

Funny, Book, Reading

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Does Japan”, p.7, Ballantine Books

I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.

Funny, Women, Causes

English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off...Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with our son.

Funny, Humorous, Son

First, a few words about this title. It isn't easy, coming up with book titles. A lot of the really good ones are taken. Thin Thighs in 30 Days, for example. Also The Bible.

Funny, Book, Taken

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.11, Ballantine Books

This year, U.S. airlineswill carry a record 143 million passengers, who will be in the air for 382 million hours, during which they will be fed an estimated total of four peanuts.

Funny, Humorous, Food

Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down”, p.139, Ballantine Books

She goes to Frederick's of Hollywood at the mall and purchases an explicit lingerie outfit so sheer that you could read an appliance warranty through it in an unlit closet.

Funny, California, Hollywood

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Turns Forty”, p.47, Ballantine Books

Here in the news media, our focus is on speed. When we get hold of some new and possibly inaccurate information, our highest priority is to get it to you, the public, before our competitors do. If the news media owned airlines, there would be a lot less concern about how many planes crashed, and a lot more concern about whose plane hit the ground first.

Funny, Media, Priorities

Dave Barry (2003). “Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism”, p.14, Crown Archetype

Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

Funny, Humorous, School

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Does Japan”, p.25, Ballantine Books

I shared this insight with some other boat owners, and they all agreed that, definitely, putting your boar into the water is asking for trouble. Most of them have had their boats sitting in their driveways long enough to be registered historical landmarks.

Funny, Long, Water

Real cars were made here in America: Fords, Chevys, Plymouths. These were large chunks of Detroit iron - cars that had the size, weight, and handling characteristics of aircraft carriers but worse fuel efficiency.

Funny, Real, Humorous

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Does Japan”, p.8, Ballantine Books

The hugely popular Windows 95 operating system revolutionized the software world thanks to its capability of accomplishing the seemingly impossible task of making Bill Gates even richer than he already was.

Funny, Humor, Tasks

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry in Cyberspace”, p.4, Ballantine Books

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

Inspirational, Funny, Teenage

Dave Barry (2013). “My Teenage Son's Goal in Life Is to Make Me Feel 3,500 Years Old: and Other Thoughts on Parenting from Dave Barry”, p.73, Andrews McMeel Publishing

The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe.

Funny, Humorous, Italian

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.108, Ballantine Books

The first animals to be successfully domesticated were dogs, which were a big help because they would bark all night and fetch thrown sticks, thereby freeing humans from having to perform these tedious yet vital tasks.

Funny, Dog, Humorous

Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway”, p.11, Ballantine Books

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