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Dave Barry Quotes - Page 5

All Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

Turbulence.” This is what pilots announce that you have encountered when your plane strikes an object in midair. You'll be flying along, and there will be an enormous, shuddering WHUMP, and clearly the plane has rammed

Turbulence.” This is what pilots announce that you have encountered when your plane strikes an object in midair. You'll be flying along, and there will be an enormous, shuddering WHUMP, and clearly the plane has rammed into an airborne object at least the size of a water buffalo, and the pilot will say, “Folks, we're encountering a little turbulence.” Meanwhile they are up there in the cockpit trying desperately to clean water-buffalo organs off the windshield.

Water, Flying, Trying

"Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need". Book by Dave Barry, 1991.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Movie, Sports, Art

"Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

What I like best about the telephone is that it keeps you in touch with people, particularly people who want to sell you magazine subscriptions in the middle of the night.

Humorous, Night, Phones

"Dave Barry's Bad Habits". Book by Dave Barry, September 15, 1993.

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

Games, Chess Pieces, Literature

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

Girly, Simple, Men

I've gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels.

Body, Towels, Pounds

It is a good idea to 'shop around' before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don't be shy! After all, you're paying for it.

Doctors, Ideas, Cynical

Dave Barry (1984). “Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home”, p.9, Rodale

What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.

Funny, Technology, Needs

Twitter post from Jun 16, 2009

If he (The New York Taxi Driver) talked to me, he might lose his concentration, which would be very bad because the taxi has some kind of problem with the steering, probably dead pedestrians lodged in the mechanism, the result being that there is a delay of 8 to 10 seconds between the time the driver turns the wheel and the time the taxi actually changes direction, a handicap that the driver is compensating for by going 175 miles per hour, at which velocity we are able to remain airborne almost to the far rim of some of the smaller potholes.

New York, Humorous, Would Be

Your friends love you anyway.

Friendship, Love You, Friend Love

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

God, Years, Stupidity

In my experience, you run into trouble when you ask a group of beer-drinking men to perform any task more complex than remembering not to light the filter ends of cigarettes.

Funny, Running, Humorous

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.86, Ballantine Books

Your federal government needs your money so that it can perform vital services for you that you would not think up yourself in a million years.

Thinking, Government, Years

People in the computer industry use the term 'user,' which to them means 'idiot.'

Mean, People, Use

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

Technology, Men, Answers

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry in Cyberspace”, p.23, Ballantine Books

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

Coffee, Ice Cream, Cake

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.

Funny, Zero, Humorous

Recently I began to feel this void in my life, even after meals, and I said to myself, "Dave, all you do with your spare time is sit around and drink beer. You need a hobby." So I got a hobby. I make beer.

Beer, Hobbies, Meals

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.17, Ballantine Books

If women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be sincerely believe this - no military conflicts, and when there WAS a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon

Hilarious, Military, Believe

I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.

Funny, Humorous, Food

Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down”, p.94, Ballantine Books

You should never pick up a newspaper when you're feeling good, because every newspaper has a special department, called the Bummer Desk, which is responsible for digging up depressing front-page stories.

Funny, Depressing, Feel Good

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up”, p.21, Ballantine Books

I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.

Basketball, Past, Eight

For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).

Funny, Humor, Loss

Dave Barry (2003). “Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism”, p.147, Crown Archetype

By the eighties, a lot of radio stations had started playing "Sixties" music. They called it "Classic Rock," because they knew we'd be upset if they came right out and called it what it is, namely "middle-aged-person nostalgia music.

Rocks, Upset, Radio

Dave Barry (1991). “Turning 40”, Vintage

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

Lakes, Sea, Fishing

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.104, Ballantine Books

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