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Dave Barry Quotes - Page 20

All Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

The scrub sink...is the place where doctors wash their hands after they operate so that they won't get flecks of your vital organs on their Lexus upholstery.

The scrub sink...is the place where doctors wash their hands after they operate so that they won't get flecks of your vital organs on their Lexus upholstery.

Hands, Medicine, Doctors

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.54, Ballantine Books

You're not allowed to park a truck in your driveway. You're not allowed to work on your house on Sunday. The people who enforce these laws are nuts. After I wrote a column on this, I got I don't know how many letters from Coral Gables homeowners, story after story after story, wonderfully horrible stories. And the venom they felt for their own government!

Sunday, Government, Law

"All I Think Is That It's Stupid". Interview with Glenn Garvin, reason.com. December 1, 1994.

You cannot paint the exterior of your house. You have to take the paint chip down to show the paint-chip Nazis.

House, Nazi, Paint

"All I Think Is That It's Stupid". Interview with Glenn Garvin, reason.com. December 1, 1994.

A critical function that we journalists perform at political conventions is to try to get into parties that we have not been invited to. There are dozens of these parties, sponsored by large corporations with a sincere public-spirited desire to become larger.

Funny, Party, Political

Dave Barry (2003). “Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism”, p.26, Crown Archetype

He felt a momentary pang of regret that he had not spent more time with his beloved wife. But it passed when he remembered that the reason he’d gone to sea in the first place was that he had never really liked his beloved wife.

Regret, Beloved Wife, Sea

Never lick a steak knife.

Knives, Steak

Never have a dog. Let's not beat around the bush here: dogs are morons.

Dog, Beats, Moron

Dave Barry (2010). “Homes and Other Black Holes”, p.98, Ballantine Books

Everybody in New York, including police horses, dresses fashionably, and whenever I'm there, even in my sharpest funeral-quality suit with no visible ketchup stains, I feel as though I'm wearing a Hefty trash bag. And it's last year's Hefty trash bag.

Funny, Horse, New York

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.143, Crown Archetype

The story of the eighties will be the story of the Reagan administration and the many men and women who served in it, some of whom are already out on parole.

Funny, Men, Stories

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States”, p.166, Ballantine Books

Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.

God, Numbers, Stupidity

Why do we shave? It doesn't seem like a natural activity. There are no examples of shaving in nature. The only creature that comes close is the male South Pacific Groping Beetle, which sometimes, just before mating, will slap on a little Aqua Velva. But we think this resulted from atomic testing.

Thinking, Aqua, Males

Dave Barry (2012). “The Greatest Invention in the History of Mankind Is Beer: And Other Manly Insights from Dave Barry”, p.39, Andrews McMeel Publishing

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.

Brain, Nuclear, Television

Some archeologists believe that Stonehenge - the mysterious arrangement of enormous elongated stones in England - is actually a crude effort by the Druids to build a computing device.

Believe, Effort, Stones

Dave Barry (1997). “Dave Barry in Cyberspace”, Ballantine Books

I've come to realize that you're going to get criticized no matter what. Somebody will always hate what you write, especially if you write humor for a fairly broad audience. Somebody will always find it not funny and declare you're not funny anymore. And sometimes people are just crazy.

Hate, Crazy, Writing

Source: www.writersdigest.com

Disney Resort and World and Compound, a place where your dreams really do come true, if you dream about having people wearing enormous cartoon-animal heads come around to your restaurant table and act whimsical and refuse to go away until you laugh with delight.

Funny, Dream, Humor

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.68, Crown Archetype

But if I hadn't shoved you off the boat back there,you'd be lost at sea now,wouldn't you? We'd all be lost! So thanks to me you're all standing on land." (Pirates, its a good thing they're idiots)

Sea, Land, Pirate

I like golf because you can be really terrible at it, and still not look much dorkier than anybody else.

Golf, Looks, Terrible

I still think of myself as a newspaper guy and you live by deadlines in the newspaper world, so, they don't really give you any excuses. At the paper they never say, "Well, we just won't have Tuesday's paper come out, we'll just bring Tuesday's paper out on Wednesday, so go ahead, take all the time you need." They come out with that paper regardless.

Thinking, Giving, Tuesday

Source: www.writersdigest.com

I wrote about why I didn't think libertarians are really doing this kind of thing so that they can have sex with dogs. I discussed some of the reasons that a person might want to live out of the control of our federal, state, local, and every other form of government. Actually, I don't think I even called myself a libertarian. I think Tom Shroder identified me as one.

Dog, Sex, Thinking

""All I Think Is That It's Stupid": An Interview with Dave Barry". Interview with Glenn Garvin, reason.com. December, 1994.

If Charles Lindbergh, flying with no instruments other than a bologna sandwich, managed to cross the Atlantic and land safely on a runway completely covered with French people, why are today's airplanes, which are equipped with radar and computers and individualized liquor bottles, unable to cope with fog?

Funny, Humorous, Food

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.234, Ballantine Books

Long, long ago, before eruptions were invented, the molten lava had to be carried down the mountainside, bucket by bucket, and poured over the sleeping villagers. This took time.

Sleep, Long Ago, Eruption

Dogs love to go for rides. A dog will happily get into any vehicle going anywhere.

Dog, Pet, Dog Love

Winter's here, and you feel lousy: You're coughing and sneezing; your muscles ache; your nose is an active mucus volcano. These symptoms -- so familiar at this time of year -- can mean only one thing: Tiny fanged snails are eating your brain.

Mean, Winter, Volcanoes

"Waging Germ Warfare". www.miamiherald.com. December 27, 2009.

Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.

God, Views, Stupidity

I never start a section of the story without knowing how it will end. I also consciously try to shape the story as though it were a movie.

Knowing, Trying, Stories

"Secrets of a Two-Time Pulitzer Winner". Interview with Michael Mechanic, www.motherjones.com. June 30, 2010.

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