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Dave Barry Quotes - Page 19

All Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

I love Halloween. It reminds me of my happy childhood days as a student at Wampus Elementary School in Armonk, N.Y., when we youngsters used to celebrate Halloween by making decorations out of construction paper and

I love Halloween. It reminds me of my happy childhood days as a student at Wampus Elementary School in Armonk, N.Y., when we youngsters used to celebrate Halloween by making decorations out of construction paper and that white paste that you could eat.

Halloween, School, White

If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most people would: nuclear war, global warming and Windows.

War, Race, Names

Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary to what you may have heard, the Internet does not operate at the speed of light; it operates at the speed of the DMV.

Ocean, Light, Doe

Dave Barry (1996). “Dave Barry in Cyberspace”, Crown Pub

Aside from Velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe.

Substance, Velcro, Mysterious

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Turns Forty”, p.94, Ballantine Books

I've never been struck by lightning as far as I know, so the Higher Power is treating me as well as even those people who love him very much.

People, Lightning, Higher Power

"Dave Barry on Bieber, 'Fifty Shades' and Jane Austen". Interview with Bob Minzesheimer, www.usatoday.com. March 5, 2014.

Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.

God, Stupidity, Needs

We should call editorials what they are: columns written by committees.

Columns, Should, Committees

""All I Think Is That It's Stupid": An Interview with Dave Barry". Interview with Glenn Garvin, reason.com. December, 1994.

I feel that nasal spray is a wondrous medical achievement, because it is supposed to relieve nasal congestion, and by gadfrey, it relieves nasal congestion. What I'm saying is that it actually works, which is something you can say about very few other aspects of the medical establishment.

Funny, Humorous, Doctors

Dave Barry (1989). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, Ballantine Books

Your job is to give people a reason to keep reading.

Jobs, Reading, Writing

We're trying to make our current house look domestic so that somebody will want to buy it. We're making a lot of simple, obvious improvements that never would have occurred to us to make while we actually lived here, because, tragically, we both happen to be domestically impaired. If we were birds, our nest would consist of a single twig with the eggs attached via Scotch tape.

Simple, Eggs, Scotch

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.71, Crown Archetype

You've read newspaper stories about elderly widows who die and leave their entire estates to their pet cats, right? Well, your cat reads those stories too, and has spent most of its skulking, devious little life dreaming about inheriting all your money.

Funny, Dream, Humor

Dave Barry (1984). “Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home”, p.56, Rodale

At the height of rush hour, people on the London underground actually say "excuse me." Imagine what would happen if you tried an insane stunt like that on the New York City subway. The other passengers would take it as a sign of weakness, and there'd be a fight over who got to keep your ears as a trophy.

Funny, New York, Humorous

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.104, Crown Archetype

I hate to speak for the whole society, but I will. I'm a journalist, it's my job. There's been something of a reaction against political correctness. Needless to say, the government hasn't caught up yet.

Jobs, Hate, Government

""All I Think Is That It's Stupid": An Interview with Dave Barry". Interview with Glenn Garvin, reason.com. December, 1994.

There is nothing as relaxing as being out on the open sea, listening to the waves and the wind and the sails and voices downstairs yelling "HOW DO YOU FLUSH THESE TOILETS?"

Funny, Yelling, Wind

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.90, Crown Archetype

I do some of my best reading while seated in the bathroom.

Reading, Bathroom

"EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: Dave Barry and the Matrix of Poop". Interview with Rich Abdill, umdbathrooms.wordpress.com. April 27, 2010.

Advice to expectant mothers: you must remember that when you are pregnant, you are eating for two. But you must remember that the other one of you is about the size of a golf ball, so let's not go overboard with it. I mean, a lot of pregnant women eat as though the other person they're eating for is Orson Welles.

Mother, Mean, Golf

If you have ever seen the movie Night of the Living Dead, you have a rough idea how modern corporations and organizations operate, with projects and proposals that everybody thought were killed constantly rising from their graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the brains of the living.

Night, Organization, Ideas

Dave Barry (1986). “Claw Your Way to the Top: How to Become the Head of a Major Corporation in Roughly a Week”, p.25, Rodale

The other major kind of computer is the "Apple," which I do not recommend, because it is a wuss-o-rama New-Age computer you basically just plug in and use.

Apples, Age, Rama

I say we scrap the current system and replace it with a system wherein you add your name to the bottom of a list, and then you send some money to the person at the top of the list, and then you... Oh, wait, that is our current system.

Names, Waiting, Add

When I say 'serve you better,' I mean 'increase our profits.' We newspapers are very big on profits these days.

Mean, Increase, Newspapers

I grew up in the Southwest Bronx. Father an accountant, mother a schoolteacher. Brother was six years older, which explains why I gobbled crystal meth at 12, smoked hashish at 13, and was shooting smack at 17, which explains how I got Hepatitis C, which was the basis of my first book, which was a humor book about dying.

Mother, Brother, Father

"Secrets of a Two-Time Pulitzer Winner". Interview with Michael Mechanic, www.motherjones.com. June 30, 2010.

normal person's weekly chore list: 1. clean kitchen. 2. clean bathroom. 3. clean entire rest of domicile. cleaning impaired person's weekly chore list: 1. don't get peanut butter on sheets.

Kitchen, Peanut Butter, Lists

Dave Barry (2001). “All the Dave Barry you could ever want: four classic books in one from America's foremost humorist”

Are we ever going to have a federal tax system that regular people can understand?

People, Taxes, Tax System

Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down”, p.89, Ballantine Books

Be advised that there is no parking in Europe.

Funny, Travel, Europe

Twitter post from Jul 08, 2009

Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour."

Funny, Humorous, Food

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