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Dave Barry Quotes - Page 17

All Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

Funny, Witty, Block

That is the Wasp, yes. But it was captured by Black Stache, and he’s coming for this ship now.” “And how do you know that?” asked Slank. “Did a seagull tell you?” This brought chuckles from the crew. Something like that, thought Peter.

Black, Ships, Peter

One I'm deeply into is Doris Kearns Goodwin's "Team of Rivals." I was the only person in the US who hadn't read it.

Team, Rivals, Dori

Source: www.bostonglobe.com

The Japanese eat, sleep, and breathe golf; the only thing they don't do is actually play it, because to get on a course, you have to make a reservation roughly 137 years in advance, which means that by the time you actually get to the first tee you are deceased. Of course, in golf this is not really a handicap.

Funny, Humorous, Mean

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Does Japan”, p.144, Ballantine Books

The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats developed cancer.

Running, Country, Cancer

We kids feared many things in those days - werewolves, dentists, North Koreans, Sunday School - but they all paled in comparison with Brussels sprouts.

School, Kids, Sunday

Your guess is as good as mine. Better probably, because you haven't had four beers.

Beer, Four, Mines

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.217, Ballantine Books

I really need to know where I'm going with fiction to write it in a way that at least I'm happy with. And I really think that a lot of fiction books end badly because terrific writers said, "I'll just figure it out" and plunge in, but have created so many problems that they are kind of impossible to solve. I mean, I'm talking really good writers do this and you can tell when they got to the end they either had to do something preposterous or they just don't really resolve things. So for fiction I spend a lot more time outlining and for humor I really don't do much of it.

Book, Writing, Mean

Source: www.writersdigest.com

I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that 'the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.' I could not have phrased it better myself.

Believe, Passion, Flames

Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

Love and pregnancy and riding on a camel cannot be hid

Pregnancy, Camels, Riding

Dogs do not grasp the concept of house cleaning.

Dog, House, Cleaning

Orangutan are very weird animals but they look very soulful.

Animal, Looks, Orangutans

Do not spit gum in the drinking fountains.

Drinking, Advice, Gum

Imagine what will happen to this nation if large numbers of American women start using the Wonderbra. It will be catastrophic. The male half of the population will be nothing but mindless drooling Zombies of Lust. Granted, this is also true now, but it will be even worse.

Men, Numbers, Lust

Dave Barry (2012). “The Greatest Invention in the History of Mankind Is Beer: And Other Manly Insights from Dave Barry”, p.40, Andrews McMeel Publishing

Cyrus Pembridge, the Never Land’s captain, was widely regarded as the most incompetent man to comman a ship since the formation of water. “Who in the name of common sense would put to sea on that ship with that man in charge?” wondered Mack. “Well,” Alf answered, “we are.” “True,” Mack said.

Men, Sea, Land

Of all the wonderful things government says, that's always been just about my favorite. As opposed to if you get to keep the money. Because what you'll do is go out and bury it in your yard, anything to prevent that money from creating jobs. They never stop saying it.We will say, "This is expected to create x number of jobs." On the other hand, we never say that the money we removed from another part of the economy will kill some jobs.

Jobs, Hands, Creating

"All I Think Is That It's Stupid". Interview with Glenn Garvin, reason.com. December, 1994.

Nevada has a very dynamic economy, with gambling being the number-one industry, followed closely by blood donorship.

Funny, Humorous, Gambling

Sign at a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished?

God, Light, Stupidity

She wanted to cry, but she did not want Peter to see her cry, and she especially did not want Teacher, with her flowing hair, to see her cry.

Teacher, Hair, Want

Fortunately the boat we rented had a motor in it You will definitely want this feature on your sailboat too, because if you put up the sails, the boat tips way over, and you could spill your beer.

Funny, Beer, Sailing

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.226, Ballantine Books

It was not easy victory in the America Cup. Our boys spent years experimenting with different designs for their boat before they came up with the innovative idea of having a submerged nuclear submarine tow it.

Funny, Boys, Years

Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other.... While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Internet are exchanging, freely and openly, the most settings, uninhibited, intimate and, yes, shocking details about our "CONFIG.SYS."

Mean, Intelligent, People

The more boring a newspaper is, the more it is respected. The most respected newspaper in the United States is The New York Times, which has thousands of reporters constantly producing enormous front-page stories about bauxite...The [New York] Post would write about bauxite only if famous celebrites were arrested for snorting it in an exclusive Manhattan nightclub.

New York, Writing, Media

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.

Party, Sacrifice, Doubt

Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant.

Sports, Riding, Wells

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