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Dave Barry Quotes - Page 25

All Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

In foreign countries such as Italy, the government puts strict-looking speed limit signs everywhere, but nobody ever sees them because light does not travel fast enough to catch the Italian drivers.

In foreign countries such as Italy, the government puts strict-looking speed limit signs everywhere, but nobody ever sees them because light does not travel fast enough to catch the Italian drivers.

Funny, Country, Humorous

I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'.

Fire, Sharks, Would Be

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.171, Ballantine Books

SAT tests are designed by huge panels of experts in education and psychology who work for years to design tests in which not one single question measures any bit of knowledge that anyone might actually need in the real world. We should applaud kids for getting lower scores.

Wisdom, Real, Kids

Dave Barry (2001). “My Teenage Son's Goal in Life Is to Make Me Feel 3,500 Years Old and Other Thoug”, p.37, Andrews McMeel Publishing

The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.

Interesting, Trails, Wells

WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.

Humorous, Names, Warning

Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

You have to be careful on the deck, because of the "hatches," which are holes placed around a sailboat at random to increase the insurance rates.

Funny, Sailing, Boat

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.93, Crown Archetype

There shall be a National Anthem containing incomprehensible words and a high note that normal humans cannot hit without risk of hernia.

Risk, Normal, Anthem

"Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway". Book by Dave Barry, 2001.

In fact, just about all the major natural attractions you find in the West- the Grand Canyon, the Badlands, the Goodlands, the Mediocrelands, the Rocky Mountains and Robert Redford- were caused by erosion.

Erosion, Mountain, Facts

It takes a minimum of six people, working in close harmony, to successfully flush a nautical toilet. That's why those old ships carried such large crews.

Funny, People, Sailing

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.90, Crown Archetype

What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America, or Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II.

War, Humorous, Painful Death

We have been flooded with postal cards from all over the United States and several parallel universes. Just a quick glance though these cards is enough to remind you why this great nation, despite all the talk of decline, still leads the world in tranquilizer consumption.

Funny, Humorous, America

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.190, Crown Archetype

Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as Garfield Gets Spayed, and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you how to be excellent: In Search of Excellence, Finding Excellence, Grasping Hold of Excellence, Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It, etc.

Book, Humorous, Night

The beer sold here in the United States is sweet and watery and lacking in taste and overcarbonated and just generally the lamest, wimpiest beer in the entire known world. All the other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer, and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

Funny, Sweet, Humorous

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.18, Ballantine Books

If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life.

Funny, Jobs, Humorous

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.46, Ballantine Books

Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers.

Funny, Humorous, Important

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.47, Crown Archetype

There are also a number of humans living up there (Canada), and in many ways they have a lifestyle quite similar to ours, including such traditional American activities as driving Japanese cars.

Funny, Humorous, Numbers

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.100, Ballantine Books

It would be hard to conceive of any activity more useless than stamp collecting.

Would Be, Useless, Stamp Collecting

Socially prominent people are very fond of disease, because it gives them a chance to have these really elaborate charity functions, and the newspaper headlines say 'EVENING IN PARIS BALL RAISES MONEY TO FIGHT GOUT' instead of 'RICH PEOPLE AMUSE THEMSELVES'.

Fighting, Paris, People

Dave Barry (1989). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, Ballantine Books

There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece.

Class, Two, People

As a taxpayer, you are required to be fully in compliance with the United States Tax Code, which is currently the size and weight of the Budweiser Clydesdales.

United States, Budweiser, Taxation

Dave Barry (2003). “Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism”, p.72, Crown Archetype

You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.

Summer, Humorous, Drinking

Dave Barry (2001). “All the Dave Barry you could ever want: four classic books in one from America's foremost humorist”

You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.

Humorous, Party, Men

And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople get ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report.

Funny, Business, Humor

You should definitely have a travel agent. Why go through all the hassle of dealing with airlines, hotels, and rental-car agencies yourself, only to see the arrangements get all screwed up, when with just a single phone call you can have a trained professional screw them up for you?

Funny, Agency, Phones

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.21, Ballantine Books

This (America) is a land of rich diversity, from the towering skyscrapers of Manhatan all the way to the towering mounds of garbage piled up next to the towering skyscrapers of Manhattan.

Funny, Humorous, Land

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