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Dave Barry Quotes - Page 26

All Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

You kids have fun, and be home by Thanksgiving! our parents would call to us on Halloween night, as we staggered out the front door, weighed down by hundreds of pounds of concealed vandalism supplies, including enough

You kids have fun, and be home by Thanksgiving!" our parents would call to us on Halloween night, as we staggered out the front door, weighed down by hundreds of pounds of concealed vandalism supplies, including enough raw eggs to feed Somalia for decades. By morning, thanks to our efforts, the entire neighborhood would be covered with a layer of congealed shaving cream and toilet paper that, around certain unpopular neighbors' homes, was hundreds of feet thick. This is how the Appalachian Mountains were formed.

Morning, Fun, Halloween

Famous designers think nothing of putting their names on your clothing, but would have the servants set the dogs on you if you ever tried to put your name on their clothing.

Funny, Dog, Humorous

Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.

God, Animal, Walking Sticks

If for some reason you are unsure where to go, all you have to do is stand there looking lost, and within seconds a helpful New Yorker will approach to see if you have any "spare" change.

Funny, New York, Humorous

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.66, Ballantine Books

The population of earth has reached 7 billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating emails to join something called "LinkedIn."

Funny, Technology, People

One of the issues that we professional newspaper columnists are required by union regulations to voice grave concern about is the federal budget deficit, which we refer to as the "mounting" deficit, because every extra word helps when you have to produce a certain number of gravely concerned newsprint inches.

Funny, Voice, Numbers

Dave Barry (1989). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, Ballantine Books

Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one.

Jobs, Garden, Doe

Dave Barry (2001). “All the Dave Barry you could ever want: four classic books in one from America's foremost humorist”

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

Humorous, Drinking, Beer

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.18, Ballantine Books

Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.

Birthday, People, Age

Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

Within less than an hour, Chuck and I easily located what could well be the correct platform, where we pass the time by perspiring freely until the train storms in, colorfully decorated, as is the tradition in New York, with the spray-painted initials of all the people it has run over.

Funny, Running, New York

Dave Barry (1989). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, Ballantine Books

Sign at a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

God, Dirty, Kentucky

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?

God, Vacation, Stupidity

The letters in 'Brace Beemer' can be arranged to spell 'Embrace Beer.'

Drinking, Beer, Letters

As long as humanity has been human, it has looked toward the heavens and dreamed that some day, some way, there would be giant federal contracts involved.

Long, Heaven, Humanity

Congress is thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals to Alien beings. This would be a large mistake. Alien beings have atomic blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off their federal programs as if they were merely poor people.

Mistake, Cutting, Thinking

"Dave Barry's Bad Habits". Book by Dave Barry, September 15, 1993.

There are no bad haircuts in cyberspace.

Cyberspace, Internet, Free Speech

My son, Rob....said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it."

Christmas, Son, Want

The science fair has long been a favorite educational tool in the American school system, and for a good reason: Your teachers hate you.

Teacher, Hate, Educational

Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down”, p.39, Ballantine Books

Technically, Windows is an "operating system," which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop operating.

Mean, Needs, Warning

At certain times each year, we journalists do almost nothing except apply for the Pulitzers and several dozen other major prizes. During these times you could walk right into most newsrooms and commit a multiple axe murder naked, and it wouldn't get reported in the paper because the reporters and editors would all be too busy filling out prize applications.

Years, Editors, Naked

[There is] a breed of fashion models

Fashion, Art, Fashion Model

Although it was constructed in 1536, the New York subway system boasts an annual maintenance budget of nearly $8, currently stolen, and it does a remarkable job of getting New Yorkers from Point A to an indeterminate location somewhere in the tunnel leading to point B.

Funny, Jobs, New York

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.66, Ballantine Books

Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash.

Cities, Car, Miami

Please try not to be such a wiener-head.

Sarcastic, Trying, Please

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up”, p.73, Ballantine Books

The Japanese, implementing a complex, long-term, and ultimately successful strategy to dominate the U S consumer-electronics market, attacked Pearl Harbor.

Funny, Humorous, Successful

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States”, p.119, Ballantine Books

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