Authors:

A
B
C
D
E
F
G
H
I
J
K
L
M
N
O
P
Q
R
S
T
U
V
W
X
Y
Z

Dave Barry Quotes - Page 10

All Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

Funny, Humorous, America

Look, in particular, at the people who, like you, are making average incomes for doing average jobs- bank vice presidents, insurance salesmen, auditors, secretaries of defense- and you'll realie they all dress the same way, essentially the way the mannequins in the Sears menswear department dress. Now look at the real successes, the people who make a lot more money than you- Elton John, Captain Kangaroo, anybody from Saudi Arabia, Big Bird, and so on. They all dress funny- and they all succeed.

Jobs, Real, Average

Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still speak in foreign languages

Travel, Inspirational Life, Learning

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.259, Ballantine Books

But the feeling I have, you know, is that I'll never come close to reading all, or even a thousandth- a billionth- of the books I'd probably love if I ever got to them.

Book, Reading, Feelings

If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things about them: 1. They all had editors. 2. They are all dead. Thus we can draw the scientific conclusion that editors are fatal.

Editors, Two, Scott Fitzgerald

We are talking about mutated women, the result of cruel genetic experiments performed by fashion designers so lacking in any sense of human decency that they think nothing of putting their initials on your eyeglass lenses. The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. If a normal woman puts on clothing designed for these unfortunate people, she is quite naturally going to look like Revenge of the Pork Person.

Fashion, Revenge, Fall

Talking about golf is always boring. Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart.

Golf, Talking, Interesting

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.104, Ballantine Books

The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. . . .

Money, Business, Real

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

Technology, Purpose, Use

England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English.

Funny, Country, Humorous

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.122, Ballantine Books

One of the major hobbies in South Florida is keeping animals that no sane person would want to keep. One of those is snakes. They usually get them when they're small, and when they get too big, they let them go. But there are also people with monkeys, lions, tigers. And they all get away, eventually.

Animal, Snakes, Florida

Source: www.chicagotribune.com

Never allow a child to spend all of his allowance. Insist that he set aside a certain amount of money every week and put it in a safe place, where you can get it if you need to buy beer.

Children, Beer, Needs

Dave Barry (2006). “Dave Barry's Money Secrets: Like: Why Is There a Giant Eyeball on the Dollar?”, p.88, Crown Archetype

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

Sports, Trying, Literature

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.88, Ballantine Books

I don't have any insight or understanding on anything about the government. All I think is that it's stupid - which is the one perspective that's almost completely lacking in Washington.

Stupid, Thinking, Government

"All I Think Is That It's Stupid". Interview with Glenn Garvin, reason.com. December, 1994.

Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.

God, Stupidity, Leeches

'I'm sorry,' guys are always telling women, 'but I'm just not ready to make a commitment.' Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. If guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350-degree oven on July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving.

Sorry, Commitment, July

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys”, p.87, Ballantine Books

Childbirth, as a strictly physical phenomenon, is comparable to driving a United Parcel truck through an inner tube.

Driving, Truck, Inns

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys”, p.58, Ballantine Books

I believe many Harley guys spend more time revving their engines than actually driving anywhere; I sometimes wonder why they bother to have wheels on their motorcycles.

Believe, Guy, Motorcycle

In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes.

Funny, Humorous, Food

Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.

Time, Dollars, Substance

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Turns Forty”, p.94, Ballantine Books

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

Baby, Women, Pregnancy

Dave Barry (1999). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Random House Digital, Inc.

The issue we are reluctant to talk about is even more sensitive than condoms. The issue - and I will try to be tasteful here - is that sometimes it seems like maybe the president of the United States is kind of dumb. If you get what I mean. What I mean is, I am not totally confident that the president would get what I mean, unless several aides explained it to him. And even then, he might forget.

Funny, Mean, Issues

I love the resource of the Internet. I use it all the time. Anything I'm writing - for example, if I'm writing a scene about Washington D.C. and I want to know where this monument is, I can find it right away, I can get a picture of the monument, it just makes your life so much easier, especially if you're writing fiction. You can check stuff so much quicker, and I think that's all great for writers.

Writing, Thinking, Fiction

Source: www.writersdigest.com

Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security.

Funny, Humorous, Food

Dave Barry (2003). “Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism”, p.182, Crown Archetype

What was life like in the colonies? Probably the best word to describe it would be "colonial".

Would Be, Colony

Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway”, p.24, Ballantine Books

You May Also Like: