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Dave Barry Quotes - Page 11

All Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

$Software: These programs give instruction to the CPU, which processes billions of tiny facts called bytes, and within a fraction of a second it sends you an error message that requires you to call the customer-support$

Software: These programs give instruction to the CPU, which processes billions of tiny facts called bytes, and within a fraction of a second it sends you an error message that requires you to call the customer-support hot line and be placed on hold for approximately the life-span of a caribou.

Errors, Giving, Support

Eternal boyhood is the dream of a depressing percentage of American males, and the locker room is the temple where they worship arrested development.

Dream, Depressing, Men

All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?

Wall, Humorous, Rain

Teenagers are bored. By everything. Show a teenager an actual volcanic eruption, in progress, featuring giant billowing clouds of smoke, hot rocks raining from the sky, lava floes destroying entire villages, etc., and the teenager, eyebrows arched with sarcasm, will look at you and say, "Gee, this is swell," then return to the rental car, turn on his portable CD player, and listen to a band called Stomach Contents.

Teenager, Rain, Sarcasm

"Whining Down The Country's Roads With Dave Barry And Family". community.seattletimes.nwsource.com. September 1, 1991.

Modern cyberspace is a deadly festering swamp, teeming with dangerous programs such as 'viruses,' 'worms,' 'Trojan horses' and 'licensed Microsoft software' that can take over your computer and render it useless.

Funny, Horse, Humor

Proper turkey preparation is critical. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, more Americans die every year from eating improperly cooked turkey than were killed in the entire Peloponnesian War. This is because turkey can contain salmonella, which are tiny bacteria that, if they get in your bloodstream, develop into full-grown salmon, which could come leaping out of your mouth during an important business presentation.

War, Funny Thanksgiving, Years

Shawn's (Shawn Weatherly - former beauty queen) acting ability is such that she could not convey the concept of falling if your pushed her off a cliff.

Queens, Humorous, Fall

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

Believe, Wire, Bills

We have always had dogs, and they have faithfully performed many valuable services for us, such as: 1. Peeing on everything. 2. When we're driving in our car, alerting us that we have passed another dog by barking real loud in our ears for the next 114 miles. 3. Trying to kill the Avon lady.

Dog, Real, Car

Dave Barry (1995). “Homes and Other Black Holes”, Random House Digital, Inc.

Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several years trying to kill themselves. If your home contains a sharp, toxic object, your baby will locate it; if your home contains no such object, your baby will try to obtain one via mail order.

Funny, Baby, Children

Dave Barry (1984). “Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home”, p.18, Rodale

The average tax payer is not a big voluntary supporter of the arts. The only art that the average taxpayer buys voluntarily either has a picture of Bart Simpson on it or little suction cups on its feet so you can stick it onto a car window.

Art, Average, Feet

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.146, Crown Archetype

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

Nascar Racing, Literature, Upside Down

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.104, Ballantine Books

Yet another spunky li'l NASA robot lands and begins transmitting back photographs of rocks that appear virtually identical to the rock photos beamed back by all the other spunky li'l NASA robots, thus confirming suspicions that the universe has a LOT of rocks in it.

Funny, Science, Rocks

Dave Barry (2007). “Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)”, p.108, Penguin

Never try to put all the chemicals in the entire world in your body at the same time.

Trying, World, Body

Dave Barry (1999). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Random House Digital, Inc.

Elsewhere in Italy is the lovely city of Venice, which each year attracts millions of visitors despite the fact that it is basically an enormous open sewer.

Funny, Humorous, Italian

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.143, Ballantine Books

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

Funny, Hilarious, Women

Dave Barry (2012). “The Greatest Invention in the History of Mankind Is Beer: And Other Manly Insights from Dave Barry”, p.35, Andrews McMeel Publishing

I always wanted to write when I was a kid; it just never occurred to me that you could have a job that didn't involve any actual work.... I felt it would be fun to have a job like that where you could make stuff up and be irresponsible and get paid for it.

Jobs, Fun, Kids

Although humans tend to view sex as mainly a fun recreational activity sometimes resulting in death, in nature it is a far more serious matter.

Sex, Fun, Views

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys”, p.36, Ballantine Books

I will vote for the first candidate who promises to use nuclear missiles against LinkedIn.

Witty, Technology, Promise

Twitter post from Jan 23, 2012

The president, apparently, was so totally unaware of where his foreign policy was that he had to appoint a distinguished commission to help him locate it, and when the commissioners called him in to testify, he told them, essentially, that he couldn't remember what it looked like. Now, if Richard Nixon had claimed something like that you would at least have had the comfort of knowing he was lying. You could trust Nixon that way. But with this president, you have this nagging feeling that he's telling the truth.

Funny, Lying, Knowing

Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will. If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.

Golf, Self, Expression

This was years ago, I think during the early [Ronald] Reagan years. I came up with a plan that everybody just pay $8.95 in taxes. Cheating would be allowed. But the incentive to cheat wouldn't be nearly as great if you only had to pay the $8.95. There were a few people who would have to pay hundreds of millions of dollars under this plan. I think it was Mark Goodson and Bill Todman, the guys who do the quiz shows. But almost everybody else would be off really cheap.

Cheating, Thinking, Years

Sign outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

God, Country, Stupidity

The Ford Falcon holds the proud title of Slowest Car Ever Built. In certain areas of the country you can go to a stoplight and find Falcon drivers who pressed down on their accelerators in 1963 and are still waiting for their cars to move.

Country, Moving, Car

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.39, Crown Archetype

When Prince Charles speaks, everybody pretends to be fascinated, even though he has never said anything interesting except in that intercepted telephone conversation wherein he expressed the desire to be a feminine hygeine product.

Interesting, Desire, Telephones

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.103, Ballantine Books

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