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Dave Barry Quotes - Page 9

All Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

Skills, People, Literature

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Turns Forty”, p.124, Ballantine Books

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Running, Religious, Writing

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.201, Ballantine Books

As a professional journalist, I am always looking for new ways to get paid for being motionless.

Way, Journalist, New Ways

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.99, Ballantine Books

We travel because, no matter how comfortable we are at home, there's a part of us that wants - that needs - to see new vistas, take new tours, obtain new entrees, introduce new bacteria into our intestinal tracts, learn new words for "transfusion," and have all the other travel adventures that make us want to French-kiss our doormats when we finally get home.

Adventure, Home, Kissing

"Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need". Book by Dave Barry, 1991.

Most of the presidential candidates' economic packages involve 'tax breaks,' which is when the government, amid great fanfare, generously decides not to take quite so much of your income. In other words, these candidates are trying to buy your votes with your own money.

Government, Presidential, Trying

"The Bucks Drop Here". Washington Post Magazine, February 9, 1992.

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

Technology, Needs, Looks

In the words of a very famous dead person, 'A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test.

Aptitude Test, Doe, Tests

And what is the Scientific Community doing about these problems, young people? THEY'RE CLONING SHEEP. Great! Just what we need! Sheep that look MORE ALIKE than they already do! Thanks a lot, Scientific Community!

Funny, Animal, Sheep

Every year I write a tax advice column and I used to always make fun of that. One year, one of my favorite IRS commissioners, I think his name was Roscoe somebody, wrote that one of the most often-asked questions by taxpayers was, "How can I contribute more?" Well, I tell ya, ol' Roscoe's really been doing situps under parked cars again. I've heard a lot of people ask a lot of questions about taxes, but I never heard anybody say, "How can I, the ordinary person, send more money for no reason?"

Fun, Writing, Thinking

"All I Think Is That It's Stupid". Interview with Glenn Garvin, reason.com. December, 1994.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

Funny, Humor, Mean

To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver.

Funny, Block, Moving

Twitter post from May 22, 2009

Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies, the result of being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting matches over such issues as toaster settings.

Love, Couple, Emotional

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.208, Crown Archetype

Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricty goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires.

Home, Mean, One Direction

Today's beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip.

Funny, Media, Paper

Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down”, p.168, Ballantine Books

Common criticism of the Internet is that it is dominated by the crude, the uninformed, the immature, the smug, the untalented, the repetitious, the pathetic, the hostile, the deluded, the sefl-righteous, and the shrill. This criticism overlooks the fact that the Internet also offers - for the savvy individual who knows where to look - the tasteless and borderline insane.

Immature, Criticism, Insane

This book is dedicated to Wilbur and Orville Wright, without whom air sickness would still be just a dream.

Funny, Dream, Humorous

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.5, Ballantine Books

One night in Tokyo we watched two Japanese businessmen saying good-night to each other after what had clearly been a long night of drinking, a major participant sport in Japan. These men were totally snockered, having reached the stage of inebriation wherein every air molecule that struck caused them to wobble slightly, but they still managed to behave more formally than Americans do at funerals.

Funny, Good Night, Sports

As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight.

Funny, Bird, Aviation

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

Funny, Life, Humorous

Whatever the needs of the public are, the government responds to those needs by getting larger.

Government, Needs

Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway”, p.53, Ballantine Books

Classical music gradually lost popularity because it is too complicated: you need twenty-five or thirty skilled musicians just to hum it properly. So people began to develop regular music.

People, Musician, Twenties

Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O'Hare.

Funny, Humorous, Food

I am not one to generalize, but cartoonists, as a group, exhibit a level of social sophistication generally associated with pie fights. In high school, when the future lawyers were campaigning for class president, the future cartoonists were painstakingly altering illustrations in their history books so that Robert E. Lee appeared to be performing an illegal act with his horse.

Horse, Book, School

I do not mean to suggest for a moment that all it takes to be a top executive is a custom-tailored European suit. You also need the correct shirt and tie.

Mean, Ties, Suits You

Dave Barry (1986). “Claw Your Way to the Top: How to Become the Head of a Major Corporation in Roughly a Week”, p.35, Rodale

I never stop running. I'm not one of the weenies who drop out just because the electoral college votes. I'm still in the race. I'm an extremely corrupt candidate and I stress that in case anybody in our reading audience is interested in sending me money.

Running, Stress, Reading

"All I Think Is That It's Stupid". Interview with Glenn Garvin, reason.com. December, 1994.

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