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Dave Barry Quotes - Page 13

All Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

She goes to Frederick's of Hollywood at the mall and purchases an explicit lingerie outfit so sheer that you could read an appliance warranty through it in an unlit closet.

She goes to Frederick's of Hollywood at the mall and purchases an explicit lingerie outfit so sheer that you could read an appliance warranty through it in an unlit closet.

Funny, California, Hollywood

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Turns Forty”, p.47, Ballantine Books

Here in the news media, our focus is on speed. When we get hold of some new and possibly inaccurate information, our highest priority is to get it to you, the public, before our competitors do. If the news media owned airlines, there would be a lot less concern about how many planes crashed, and a lot more concern about whose plane hit the ground first.

Funny, Media, Priorities

Dave Barry (2003). “Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism”, p.14, Crown Archetype

Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

Funny, Humorous, School

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Does Japan”, p.25, Ballantine Books

The problem was that Panama technically belonged to Colombia, which refused to sign a treaty leasing it to the United States. So Roosevelt sent a gunboat filled with marines down to Panama, just on the off chance that a revolution might suddenly break out, and darned if one didn't, two days later. Not only that, but the leaders of the new nation of Panama-talk about lucky breaks!-were absolutely thrilled to have the United States build a canal there. 'Really, it's our pleasure,' they told the marines, adding, 'Don't shoot.'

Marine, Two, Leader

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States”, p.93, Ballantine Books

And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

God, Stupidity, Size

You know how on the evening news they always tell you that the stock market is up in active trading, or off in moderate trading, or trading in mixed activity, or whatever. Well, who gives a

Giving, News, Evening

Dave Barry (1997). “Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States”

Congress, after years of stalling, finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions that might lead to possible formal talks that could potentially produce some kind of tenative agreements.

Agreement, Years, Might

Every year, hundreds of thousands of people try their hand at this demanding profession (humor columnist). After a few months, almost all of them have given up and gone back to the ninth grade.

Hands, Years, People

Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down”, p.15, Ballantine Books

On behalf of the newspaper industry I wish to announce some changes we're making to serve you better. When I say 'serve you better,'' I mean 'increase our profits.' We newspapers are very big on profits these days. We're a business, just like any other business, except that we employ English majors.

Mean, Wish, Newspapers

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

People, Hobbies, Kind

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.104, Ballantine Books

But my point is that competitive eating is a real sport, and I considered taking it up. But when I thought about what this would mean sitting around for hours, stuffing my face with unhealthy food I realized it was basically the same thing as journalism.

Sports, Real, Mean

Lobsters displays all three of the classic biological characteristics of an insect, namely: 1. It has way more legs than necessary. 2. There is no way you would ever pet it. 3. It does not respond to simple commands such as "Here, boy!"

Boys, Simple, Pet

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.110, Ballantine Books

I shared this insight with some other boat owners, and they all agreed that, definitely, putting your boar into the water is asking for trouble. Most of them have had their boats sitting in their driveways long enough to be registered historical landmarks.

Funny, Long, Water

I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the U.S. Tax Code, you'd find at least one sex scene . . .

Sex, Vastness, Scene

Real cars were made here in America: Fords, Chevys, Plymouths. These were large chunks of Detroit iron - cars that had the size, weight, and handling characteristics of aircraft carriers but worse fuel efficiency.

Funny, Real, Humorous

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Does Japan”, p.8, Ballantine Books

And to you taxpayers out there, let me say this: Make sure you file your tax return on time! And remember that, even though income taxes can be a 'pain in the neck,' the folks at the IRS are regular people just like you, except that they can destroy your life

Pain, People, Return

Dave Barry (2003). “Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism”, p.114, Crown Archetype

The hugely popular Windows 95 operating system revolutionized the software world thanks to its capability of accomplishing the seemingly impossible task of making Bill Gates even richer than he already was.

Funny, Humor, Tasks

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry in Cyberspace”, p.4, Ballantine Books

Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.

Two, Experts, Needs

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry in Cyberspace”, p.39, Ballantine Books

I got a lot of mail from organizations concerned with bike safety. Then I got a couple from people who wanted my support for mandatory helmet laws. I can't support that. If you pass a law like that you'll do more harm than good, because you'll make people think they've done something about the problem when they haven't.

Couple, Thinking, Law

""All I Think Is That It's Stupid": An Interview with Dave Barry". Interview with Glenn Garvin, reason.com. December, 1994.

There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.

Men, Phones, Sea

The Republicans have a high Beady-Eyed Self-Righteous Scary Borderline Loon Quotient, as evidenced by Phyllis Schlafly, Pat Robertson, the entire state of Utah, etc.

Self, Utah, Scary

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Turns Forty”, p.124, Ballantine Books

You should be prepared for anything during divorce proceedings - even the truth.

Divorce, Should, Be Prepared

Dave Barry (2001). “All the Dave Barry you could ever want: four classic books in one from America's foremost humorist”

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

Government, Politics, Entertainment

Dave Barry (1999). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Random House Digital, Inc.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

Jobs, Writing, Thinking

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

Inspirational, Funny, Teenage

Dave Barry (2013). “My Teenage Son's Goal in Life Is to Make Me Feel 3,500 Years Old: and Other Thoughts on Parenting from Dave Barry”, p.73, Andrews McMeel Publishing

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