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Dave Barry Quotes - Page 7

All Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

AARP is a large and powerful organization, similar to the Mafia but more concerned about dietary fiber.

AARP is a large and powerful organization, similar to the Mafia but more concerned about dietary fiber.

Powerful, Organization, Mafia

The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.

Baby, Grandma, Grandmother

Dave Barry (1984). “Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home”, p.54, Rodale

To defend Western Europe we have to let the Pentagon buy all these tanks and guns and things, and the Pentagon is unable to buy any object that that costs less than a condominium in Vail. If the Pentagon needs, say, fruit, it will argue that it must have fruit that can withstand the rigors of combat conditions, and it will wind up purchasing the FX-700 Seedless Tactical Grape, which will cost $160,000 per bunch, and will have an 83 percent failure rate.

Gun, Europe, Wind

Nobody in the United States knows what either a "meter" or a "kilogram" is. The whole reason why we fought the Cold War was so we wouldn't have to learn the metric system.

War, Metrics, Metric System

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

Cookies, Fortune

Baby's room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some sleep, in which case baby's room should be in Peru.

Funny, Baby, Children

Dave Barry (1984). “Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home”, p.19, Rodale

Sign at a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

God, Water, Stupidity

My mother told me, “Son, it is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.” I have tried very hard to heed those words.

Sick, Healthy, Rich

Interview with Karen Zarker, www.popmatters.com. May 2, 2010.

Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long, dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter.

Fun, Dark, Knowing

Dave Barry (1985). “Dave Barry's Stay Fit and Healthy Until You're Dead”, p.4, Rodale

Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.

Weed, Doe, Nuclear

Dave Barry (2001). “All the Dave Barry you could ever want: four classic books in one from America's foremost humorist”

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

Television, Violence, Sometimes

Stuffwise we are not a lean operation. We're the kind of people who, if we were deciding what absolute minimum essential items we'd need to carry in our backpacks for the final, treacherous ascent to the summit of Mount Everest, would take along aquarium filters, just in case.

Aquariums, People, Ascent

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.70, Crown Archetype

A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. A tautology is a thing which is tautological. A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention. If your kids look like you, it's hereditory. If they look like the neighbor, it's the environment. Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Witty, Memories, Kids

Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have around the Home.

Baby, Sex, Home

Dave Barry (1991). “Dave Barry's guide to life”, Random House Value Publishing

The taxpayers cannot be relied upon to support performing arts such as opera. As a taxpayer, I am forced to admit that I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

Music, Weed, Art

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.147, Crown Archetype

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

Fashion, Humorous, Failure

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.166, Ballantine Books

Europeans, like some Americans, drive on the right side of the road, except in England, where they drive on both sides of the road; Italy, where they drive on the sidewalk; and France, where if necessary they will follow you right into the hotel lobby.

Funny, Humorous, Hotel Lobby

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.114, Ballantine Books

Alan Zweibel is the funniest writer in the world. He might be even funnier when he's naked, but I'm afraid to find out.

Naked, World, Might

Until I became a parent, I thought children just naturally knew how to catch a ball, that catching was an instinctive biological reflex that all children are born with, like knowing how to operate a remote control or getting high fevers in distant airports.

Funny, Baby, Children

Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.

Literature, Enough, Bigs

It may be meaningless, but at least it's a gesture.

May, Gestures, Statistics

Denmark (also called Norway) is best known as the original home of the prune Danish as well as the Vikings, who wore hats with horns sticking out of them, and for a very good reason: they were insane.

Home, Insane, Norway

"Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need". Book by Dave Barry, 1991.

Derangement is the only possible explanation for owning a cat, an animal whose preferred mode of communication is to sink its claws three-quarters of an inch into your flesh.

Funny, Communication, Humor

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.127, Crown Archetype

Guys care about sports teams. I'm not talking about simply rooting; I'm talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding vows.

Sports, Team, Commitment

He's a boating enthusiast, although that phrase seems too weak to describe the level of his interest, kind of like describing someone as a heroin fancier.

Funny, Sailing, Phrases

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up”, p.118, Ballantine Books

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