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Dave Barry Quotes - Page 12

All Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

There are a number of people without whom I could not have written this book, but I hope you don't hold that against them. They are all fine people, and they had no idea how it would turn out.

There are a number of people without whom I could not have written this book, but I hope you don't hold that against them. They are all fine people, and they had no idea how it would turn out.

Funny, Book, Reading

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Does Japan”, p.7, Ballantine Books

How do these celebrities stay so impossibly thin? Simple: They have full-time personal trainers, who advise them on nutrition, give them pep talks, and shoot them with tranquilizer darts whenever they try to crawl, on hunger-weakened limbs, toward the packet of rice cakes that constitutes the entire food supply in their 37,000-square-foot mansions. For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).

Simple, Squares, Cake

Because of the level of my chess game, I was able - even against a weak opponent, such as my younger brothers or the dog - to get myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer to do it faster.

Dog, Brother, Games

Many people have trouble sticking to their resolutions, and there is a simple scientific explanation for this. In 1987, a team of psychologists conducted a study in which they monitored the New Year's resolutions of 275 people. After one week the psychologists found that 92 percent of the people were keeping their resolutions; after two weeks we have no idea what happened because the psychologists had quit monitoring.

New Year, Team, Simple

I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.

Funny, Women, Causes

English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off...Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with our son.

Funny, Humorous, Son

First, a few words about this title. It isn't easy, coming up with book titles. A lot of the really good ones are taken. Thin Thighs in 30 Days, for example. Also The Bible.

Funny, Book, Taken

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.11, Ballantine Books

Today, you're 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!

Birthday, Age, Today

Millions of Americans own dogs, because they are good-natured, simple, and easily amused. I am referring here to the Americans. The dogs are not exactly Mensa members either, but they definitely make better pets than tropical fish.

Dog, Simple, Rivers

Cats are independent, by which I mean smart.

Smart, Cat, Independent

There's a test they can do to determine a baby's gender ahead of time; I think they insert a tiny photo of Leonardo DiCaprio into the uterus, and if the baby punches it, it's a boy.

Baby, Thinking, Boys

This year, U.S. airlineswill carry a record 143 million passengers, who will be in the air for 382 million hours, during which they will be fed an estimated total of four peanuts.

Funny, Humorous, Food

Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down”, p.139, Ballantine Books

Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it.

Beer, Computer, Hardware

Dave Barry (1997). “Dave Barry in Cyberspace”, Ballantine Books

I have seen women walk right past a TV set with a football game on and - this always amazes me - not stop to watch, even if the TV is showing replays of what we call a "good hit," which is a tackle that causes at least one major internal organ to actually fly out of a player's body.

Football, Past, Player

Dave Barry (2012). “The Greatest Invention in the History of Mankind Is Beer: And Other Manly Insights from Dave Barry”, p.33, Andrews McMeel Publishing

I liked making people laugh, and I decided I was an atheist early on. My Dad was all right with that. We argued about it all the time, but it was good-natured. He was the most open-minded human being I've ever known.

Atheist, Dad, People

The story you envision as you start out is always a great story; when the facts turn out to be different from, or more complex than, what you expected, your first reaction is always disappointment. That's when you must fight the urge to bend the story to your preconceived notions. First, it's dishonest. And second, in the end, the truth is always the best story.

Disappointment, Fighting, Different

"Secrets of a Two-Time Pulitzer Winner". Interview with Michael Mechanic, www.motherjones.com. June 30, 2010.

If, when you talk to people, they keep backing away from you, it's because you're TOO CLOSE, alright? SO DON'T KEEP ADVANCING ON THEM LIKE A HUMAN GLACIER.

People, Glaciers, Away From You

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.192, Ballantine Books

We constantly see surveys that reveal this ignorance, especially among our high school students,78 percent of whom, in a recent nationwide multiple-choice test, identified Abraham Lincoln as 'a kind of lobster.' That's right: more than three quarters of our nation's youth could not correctly identify the man who invented the telephone.

School, Ignorance, Men

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States”, p.8, Ballantine Books

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Beautiful, Art, Laughter

If you're like most members of the Baby Boom generation, you decided somewhere along the line, probably after about four margaritas, to have children. This was inevitable. Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income.

Mother, Baby, Children

Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

God, People, Stupidity

Nature is located mainly in national parks, which are vast tracts of wilderness that have been set aside by the United States government so citizens will always have someplace to go where they can be attacked by bears. And we're not talking about ordinary civilian bears, either: We're talking about federal bears, which can behave however they want to because they are protected by the same union as postal clerks.

Talking, Government, Clerks

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.156, Ballantine Books

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

Inspirational, Teenager, Advice

You can, legally, possibly hit and kill a fellow golfer with a ball, and there will not be a lot of trouble because the other golfers will refuse to stop and be witnesses because they will want to keep playing.

Golf, Balls, Want

My son wouldn't go get heroin. If he did or didn't, it wouldn't have anything to do with whether it was legal or illegal.

Son, Heroin, Illegal

"'All I Think Is That It's Stupid': An Interview with Dave Barry". Interview with Glenn Garvin, reason.com. December 1, 1994.

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