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Dave Barry Quotes - Page 8

All Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

For 41 years I have gone with a very natural hair look that was originally popularized by coconuts.

For 41 years I have gone with a very natural hair "look" that was originally popularized by coconuts.

Hair, Years, Looks

In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to drink beer.

Drinking, Beer, Shoes

Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.

Oregon, Gdp, Literature

I really try to think cinematically, because that's how people read. They create a theater in their minds.

Thinking, People, Mind

"Secrets of a Two-Time Pulitzer Winner". Interview with Michael Mechanic, www.motherjones.com. June 30, 2010.

We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right in his bowl full of jelly.

Humorous, Holiday, Giving

I was really bummed when I got to the last one of Tony Hillerman Navajo detective books.

Book, Lasts, Detectives

Source: www.bostonglobe.com

Mousse was a Labrador retriever, which is a large enthusiastic bulletproof species of dog made entirely from synthetic materials. This is the kind of dog that, if it takes an interest in your personal regions (which of course it does) you cannot fend it off with a blowtorch.

Funny, Dog, Humorous

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.127, Crown Archetype

Reading... a vacation for the mind.

Book, Reading, Vacation

But that's kind of an easy stance to be if you're a humor columnist, because you're tending to make fun of the government and the powerful. I'm sort of a soft-core libertarian in that my compass is generally pointing away from 'Let's let the government do this' Does it matter to me that it's Democrats who think we need more elaborate programs that involve shifting money from one group to another group or it's Republicans saying we need to take a harder look at what kinds of things people are watching on cable TV? Neither one of those things strikes me as a good idea.

Fun, Powerful, Thinking

Thus the white men and Native Americans were able, through the spirit of goodwill and compromise, to reach the first in what would become a long series of mutually beneficial, breached agreements that enabled the two cultures to coexist peacefully for stretches of twenty and sometimes even thirty days, after which it was usually necessary to negotiate new agreements that would be even more mutual and beneficial, until eventually the Native Americans were able to perceive the vast mutual benefits of living in rock-strewn sectors of South Dakota.

Native American, Men, Mutual Benefit

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States”, p.12, Ballantine Books

Because of some defect in my motor skill, I can never COMPLETELY wrap [gifts]....If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by scotch tape.

Christmas, Skills, Scotch

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.

Christmas, Wise, Stars

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.79, Ballantine Books

This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill Person School.

Funny, School, Mean

"Dave Barry's Greatest Hits". Book by Dave Barry, 1988.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

Tv News, Personality, Stories

Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down”, p.188, Ballantine Books

On Valentine's Day, millions of men give millions of women flowers, cards and candy as a heartfelt expression of the emotion that also motivates men to observe anniversaries and birthdays-fear.

Valentine, Flower, Men

Dave Barry (2007). “Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)”, p.89, Penguin

The trouble is, you cannot grow just one zucchini. Minutes after you plant a single seed, hundreds of zucchini will barge out of the ground and sprawl around the garden, menacing the other vegetables. At night, you will be able to hear the ground quake as more and more zucchinis erupt.

Night, Garden, Zucchini

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

Strong, Patriotic, Jail

Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

Sometimes you panic and find yourself emitting remarks so profoundly inane that you would be embarrassed to say them to your dog. Your dog would look at you and think to itself, 'I may lick myself in public, but I'd never say anything as stupid as that.'

Dog, Stupid, Thinking

Why can't Americans do their own taxes? Because the federal Tax Code is out of control, that's why. It's gigantic and insanely complex, and it gets worse all the time. Nobody has ever read the whole thing. IRS workers are afraid to go into the same ROOM with it.

Irs, Rooms, Taxes

Beneath their surface differences, there are a lot of deep, underlying differences.

Differences, Interesting, Surface

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

Funny, Stupid, Science

I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone.

Phones, Medicine, Doctors

Dave Barry (2010). “I'll Mature When I'm Dead: Dave Barry's Amazing Tales of Adulthood”, p.96, Penguin

Don't get me wrong. I like Disney World. The rest rooms are clean enough for neurosurgery, and the employees say things like "Howdy, folks!" and actually seem to mean it. You wonder: Where do they get these people? My guess: 1952. I think old Walt realized, way back then, that there would eventually be a shortage of cheerful people, so he put all the residents of south western Nebraska into a giant freezer with a huge picture of Jiminy Cricket on the outside, and the corporation has been thawing them out as needed ever since.

Funny, Humor, Mean

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.69, Crown Archetype

I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including: Both of your socks should always be the same color, Or they should at least both be fairly dark.

Funny, Fashion, Humor

All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, of speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words "Some Assembly Required".

Fall, Dark, Lobster

Dave Barry (1984). “Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home”, p.79, Rodale

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