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Dave Barry Quotes - Page 16

All Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

Computers operate on simple principles that can be easily understood by anybody with some common sense, a little imagination, and an IQ of 750.

Computers operate on simple principles that can be easily understood by anybody with some common sense, a little imagination, and an IQ of 750.

Simple, Imagination, Common Sense

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry in Cyberspace”, p.32, Ballantine Books

I think I've learned over the years, because you'd have to be stupid not to, that when a book publisher gives you a deadline they're just kidding for the most part. I don't know what they do with it, it's like you send them your book and they just hold it in their hands for like six months and I don't know why, and you realize you probably had more time.

Stupid, Book, Thinking

Source: www.writersdigest.com

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

Views, Skiers, Menace

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.88, Ballantine Books

I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.

Snowboarding, Years, Body

Dave Barry (2013). “My Teenage Son's Goal in Life Is to Make Me Feel 3,500 Years Old: and Other Thoughts on Parenting from Dave Barry”, p.66, Andrews McMeel Publishing

The central point of this final chapter is that - follow my logic carefully here - unless you die, you will continue to get older. (It's insights like this that separate the professional book author from the person with a real job.)

Funny, Jobs, Real

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Turns Forty”, p.171, Ballantine Books

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

Falling In Love, Zero Gravity, Percent

"Problems Of Utmost Gravity" by Dave Barry, articles.chicagotribune.com. March 15, 1998.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Inspiration, Reality, Hiking

Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

Spain travel tip: If bathroom genders are indicated by flamingos, the boy flamingo is the one with a hat. I learned this the hard way.

Funny, Travel, Boys

Twitter post from Jul 10, 2009

I've always found relationships, men and women, the fact that they are so radically different, and it manifests itself in so many different ways, and yet somehow we still try to live together and be friends. I find that endlessly valuable as a source of material for humor. Generally dogs are always funny in my opinion. And the federal government - just a relentlessly productive source of humor.

Dog, Men, Trying

Source: www.writersdigest.com

The major advantage of domestic travel is that, with a few exceptions such as Miami, most domestic locations are conveniently situated right here in the United States.

Travel, Fun, United States

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.14, Ballantine Books

The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.

Sarcastic, Baby, Sarcasm

Another well-known Paris landmark is the Arc de Triomphe, a moving monument to the many brave women and men who have died trying to visit it.

Travel, Fun, Moving

"Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need". Book by Dave Barry, 1991.

Far too often, we fathers avoid the subject because it's so awkward. The subject I am referring to is: buying gifts for women. This is an area where many men do not have a clue. Exhibit A was my father, who was a very thoughtful man, but who once gave my mother, on their anniversary, the following token of his love, his commitment, and-yes-his passion for her: an electric blanket.

Fathers Day, Mother, Passion

Now, once again, we find ourselves facing rising gas prices, and the question is: This time, are we going to learn from the past? Are we finally going to get serious about energy conservation? Of course not! We have the brains of mealworms! So we need to get more oil somehow. As far as I can figure, there's only one practical way to do this. That's right: We need to clone more dinosaurs. We have the technology, as was shown in two blockbuster scientific movies, Jurassic Park and Jurassic Park Returns with Exactly the Same Plot. Once we have the dinosaurs, all we need is an asteroid.

Past, Technology, Two

To enter Europe, you must have a valid passport with a photograph of yourself in which you look like you are being booked on charges of soliciting sheep.

Sheep, Europe, Looks

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.111, Ballantine Books

In South Florida, we have industrial cockroaches that have to be equipped with loud warning beepers so you can get out of their way when they back up.

Florida, Cockroaches, Warning

Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

I am a world-class weenie when it comes to letting people stick needles into me. My subconscious mind firmly believes that if God had wanted us to have direct access to our bloodstreams, He would have equipped our skin with small, clearly marked doors.

Believe, Class, Doors

Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon.

Horse, Attitude, Fall

Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask whether your country has been inhaling paint-thinner fumes.

Country, Paint, Has Beens

Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

In those days, most people read newspapers, whereas today, most people do not. What caused this change? One big factor, of course, is that people are a lot stupider than they used to be, although we here in the newspaper industry would never say so in print.

People, Today, Used

We journalists... are also extremely impressed with scientists, and we will, frankly, print just about any wacky thing they tell us, especially if it involves outer space.

Space, Scientist, Print

Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.

God, Hands, People

Without computers, the government would be unable to function at the level of effectiveness and efficiency that we have come to expect. . . . Today's government uses computers which are capable of cranking out millions of documents per day without any regard whatsoever for their content, thereby freeing government employees for more important responsibilities, such as not answering their phones.

Responsibility, Phones, Government

A gene can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of gene it is.

Literature, Genes, Type

Don't emphasise money if you don't have much; be happy

Saving, Investment, Savings

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