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Dave Barry Quotes - Page 15

All Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

Bill Clinton, who, to his credit, has established a clear and consistent foreign policy, which is as follows: Whenever the president of the United States gets anywhere near any foreign head of state, living or dead, he

Bill Clinton, who, to his credit, has established a clear and consistent foreign policy, which is as follows: Whenever the president of the United States gets anywhere near any foreign head of state, living or dead, he gives that leader a big old hug. This has proven to be an effective way to get foreign leaders to do what we want: Many heads of state are willing to sign any random document that President Clinton thrusts in front of them, without reading it, just so he will stop embracing them.

Reading, Giving, Leader

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.46, Ballantine Books

The Democrats believe that if God did not want them to raise taxes, He would not have created the Internal Revenue Service.

Funny, Humorous, Party

"Dave Barry's Bad Habits". Book by Dave Barry, September 15, 1993.

I read "Remembrance of Things Past" in the original French. I never start the day without reading me some [Marcel] Proust.

Reading, Past, Remembrance

Source: www.bostonglobe.com

You don't have to think really hard to get the joke. I think humor in general appeals to all people.

Thinking, People, Appeals

"Humorist - Dave Barry". Interview with McClain J., www.teenink.com.

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall.

Christmas, Holiday, Years

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.79, Ballantine Books

The universe has fascinated mankind for many, many years, dating back to the very earliest episodes of Star Trek, when the brave crew of the Enterprise set out, wearing pajamas, to explore the boundless voids of space, which turned out to be as densely populated as Queens, New York. Virtually every planet they found was inhabited, usually by evil beings with cheap costumes and Russian accents, so finally the brave crew of the Enterprise returned to Earth to gain weight and make movies.

Stars, Queens, New York

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.270, Ballantine Books

The planes are crowded and noisy and late, and everybody hates everybody. If armed terrorists had tried to hijack any of the flights I've been on lately, we passengers would have swiftly beaten them to death with those hard rolls you get with your in-flight meals.

Funny, Hate, Humorous

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.127, Ballantine Books

I have read that, on the average, the Japanese are getting taller, but at the moment they seem to be about the same height as American junior-high-school students, only with fewer guns.

Funny, Humorous, School

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Does Japan”, p.40, Ballantine Books

Infiniti ads are part of an exciting new trend called "Advertising Whose Sole Purpose Is to Irritate You."

Humorous, Purpose, Trends

Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor - I'm talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt.

Funny, Humor, Talking

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry in Cyberspace”, p.76, Ballantine Books

The Mollusks—generous hosts when they weren’t trying to kill you.

Trying, Host, Mollusks

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

Birthday, Sex, Eye

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.146, Ballantine Books

I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.

Funny, Sarcastic, Children

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

Children, Believe, College

Dave Barry (2013). “My Teenage Son's Goal in Life Is to Make Me Feel 3,500 Years Old: and Other Thoughts on Parenting from Dave Barry”, p.85, Andrews McMeel Publishing

I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power '60s. I have actually worn bell-bottomed jeans.

Flower, Jeans, Bells

Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.

God, Horse, Stupidity

The great thing about golf - and this is the reason why a lot of health experts like me recommend it - you can drink beer and ride in a cart while you play.

Beer, Golf, Play

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.

Caring, Care, Literature

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.20, Ballantine Books

Airline food is not intended for human consumption. It's intended as a form of in-flight entertainment, wherein the object is to guess what it is, starting with broad categories such as "mineral" and "linoleum."

Funny, Humorous, Food

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.39, Ballantine Books

I find myself having these conversations where I go...You know, the guy, in that place. The guy in the place with the thing, you know. And it becomes this game of charades. And then finally, we realize that I mean the Pope.

Memories, Mean, Games

I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

War, Fans, Rolling

Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down”, p.123, Ballantine Books

If you tell the reader it's funny, then the audience is like an audience at a stand-up comedy club and they expect you to be funny, and if you're not, they notice. Whereas if you read a regular op-ed about Israel or the family or medicine, you're not starting with the assumption that you're supposed to laugh.

Israel, Medicine, Laughing

Source: www.writersdigest.com

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.

Fun, Humorous, Home

Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism.

Funny, Jobs, Writing

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.48, Ballantine Books

Hardware: where the people in your company's software section will tell you the problem is. Software: where the people in your company's hardware section will tell you the problem is.

Technology, People, Computer

Dave Barry (1986). “Claw Your Way to the Top: How to Become the Head of a Major Corporation in Roughly a Week”, p.43, Rodale

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