Authors:

A
B
C
D
E
F
G
H
I
J
K
L
M
N
O
P
Q
R
S
T
U
V
W
X
Y
Z

Dave Barry Quotes - Page 14

All Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

Trust, Food, Lakes

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

Cute, Plight, Toads

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.285, Ballantine Books

Mother Nature clearly intended for us to get our food from the "patty" group, which includes hamburgers, fish sticks, and McNuggets- foods that have had all of their organs safely removed.

Mother, Groups, Hamburgers

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.113, Ballantine Books

What, exactly, is the internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a 'modem', can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo

Exactly Is, Data, Ducks

Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down”, p.175, Ballantine Books

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

Guy, Literature, Assuming

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys”, p.85, Ballantine Books

A short distance away is the Tidal Basin, ringed by cherry trees that every year produce flowers, an event to which Washingtonians react as though it were the Second Coming of Christ.

Distance, Flower, Years

Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway”, p.87, Ballantine Books

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

Communication, Technology, Waiting

Dave Barry (1997). “Dave Barry in Cyberspace”, Ballantine Books

Florida's number three industry, behind tourism and skin cancer, is voter fraud.

Cancer, Florida, Numbers

Editorials are written by people who have agreed to have several strong opinions a day and to write them down, provided they do not have to sign their names.

Strong, Writing, Media

The question is: What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: Satan. But he works through the Congress, so that's where we must focus our efforts.

Government, Law, Focus

Many things have been written, including by me, linking humor and pain. Mostly, in my case, the humor part keeps me sane. If I spent all my hours writing things like "Fatal Distraction," I'd become a brooding, erratic melancholic. I'd be Raskolnikov.

Pain, Writing, Erratic

Kids have *_____ never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.

Dad, Teenager, Taken

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.

Historical, Literature, Empires

My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.

Funny Christmas, Giving, Wife

Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while they were looking for it, the Lug Nuts of Mutual Interest came off the Front Left Wheel of Accommodation, causing the Sport Utility Vehicle of Progress to crash into the Ditch of Despair.

Sports, Nuts, Mutual Interest

Dave Barry (2007). “Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)”, p.98, Penguin

The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe.

Funny, Humorous, Italian

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.108, Ballantine Books

...and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices with nice views,are constantly being shoved out the window head first, without so much as a pension plan,by younger hotshot cells moving up from below.

Nice, Moving, Pension Plans

The first animals to be successfully domesticated were dogs, which were a big help because they would bark all night and fetch thrown sticks, thereby freeing humans from having to perform these tedious yet vital tasks.

Funny, Dog, Humorous

Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway”, p.11, Ballantine Books

I, alone, could never have produced this book. I say this mainly in case there are lawsuits.

Funny, Book, Reading

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.9, Ballantine Books

...light overcomes darkenss. A tiny match can illuminate the darkest room. As long as there is some light somewhere in the universe, [darkness] can be defeated.

Light, Long, Darkness

After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression.

Funny, War, Humorous

Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway”, p.73, Ballantine Books

This (French-Kissing) is a really sexy thing to do, according to the French people, although you should bear in mind that they also like to eat snails.

Funny, Sexy, Humorous

Professional marriage counselors agree that the most productive and mature way to deal with marital anger is to stomp dramatically from the room. You want to make your move before the opponent does, because the first person to stomp from the room receives valuable Argument Points that can be redeemed for exciting merchandise at the Marital Prize Redemption Center.

Moving, Funny Marriage, Doe

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.208, Crown Archetype

I do not mean to be the slightest bit critical of TV newspeople, who do a superb job, considering that they operate under severe time constraints and have the intellectual depth of hamsters. But TV news can only present the "bare bones" of a story; it takes a newspaper, with its capability to present vast amounts of information, to render the story truly boring.

Jobs, Mean, Tv News

Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.219, Ballantine Books

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

Funny, Mom, Baby

Dave Barry (2001). “All the Dave Barry you could ever want: four classic books in one from America's foremost humorist”

You May Also Like: