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Dave Barry Quotes - Page 6

All Quotes Age Arguing Art Atheist Beer Boat Business Character Childhood Children Christmas Cleaning Coffee College Commitment Country Dad Darkness Doubt Drinking Driving Effort Fashion Feelings Fighting Flying Food Football Fun Funny Giving God Golf Halloween Hate Hilarious Holiday Home House Humanity Inspirational Internet Journalism Justice Killing Kissing Literature Memories Mountain Music Office Pain Past Politics Pregnancy Purpose Rain Reading Religion Respect Responsibility Risk Running Sailing Sarcasm School Science Sleep Son Sports Students Stupidity Taxes Team Technology Today Training Travel Vacation Waiting War Water Weed Weight Loss Wife Winter Writing

The method (of learning Japanese) recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family, in Japan. And even then it's not easy.

The method (of learning Japanese) recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family, in Japan. And even then it's not easy.

Funny, Baby, Humorous

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Does Japan”, p.20, Ballantine Books

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.

Golf, Balls, Literature

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

Christmas, Religious, Holiday

Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?

Toasters, Doe, World

I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about.

Funny, Travel, New York

Twitter post from May 03, 2010

Print neatly. That's the kind of advice that the IRS considers a "dynamite" tax tip. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.

Real, Advice, Irs

The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!"

Funny, School, Humor

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.224, Crown Archetype

So when I open the door on Halloween, I am confronted by three or four imaginary heroes, such as G.I. Joe, Conan the Barbarian and Oliver North, who would look very terrifying except that they are three feet tall and facing in random directions. They stand there silently for several seconds before an adult voice hisses from the darkness behind them: "Say 'Trick or treat!

Halloween, Hero, Doors

Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

I guess nobody assumes anybody is a libertarian. It's a more complex political discussion than most people are used to, to explain why you think the way you do about public education or drug laws, and why it's not as simple as being for or against something.

Simple, Thinking, Law

""All I Think Is That It's Stupid": An Interview with Dave Barry". Interview with Glenn Garvin, reason.com. December, 1994.

Here in Miami, on weekends, amusement-seekers will come to the marina, set up folding chairs, and spend a highly entertaining day watching boat owners perform comical maneuvers such as forgetting to set their parking brakes and having their cars roll down the ramp and disappear, burbling gaily, below the surface.

Funny, Weekend, Car

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.88, Crown Archetype

Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money.' Don't be silly. You're a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right? Perhaps you are thinking: 'Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?' Don't be silly. You have a tank, right?

Silly, Thinking, Tanks

The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose," which is also sometimes called "grape sugar," and also because "Grape Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Gravel," which is what it tastes like.

Nuts, Marketing, Sugar

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

Funny, Sports, Humor

See, when the government spends money, it creates jobs; whereas when the money is left in the hands of taxpayers, God only knows what they do with it. Bake it into pies, probably. Anything to avoid creating jobs.

Jobs, Government, Hands

"American Unmoved by Deficit - Except in Altoona". The Free Lance-Star Column, news.google.com. February 29, 1992.

The books all say that barracuda rarely eat people, but very few barracuda can read.

Book, Lakes, Sea

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up”, p.135, Ballantine Books

When doctors describe pain as experiencing "discomfort," it's like saying Hiroshima experienced "urban renewal".

Pain, Urban Renewal, Doctors

I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease.

Powerful, Guitar, Names

European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing, which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches.

Soccer, Use, Paper

"Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need". Book by Dave Barry, 1991.

When I say "dogs", I'm talking about dogs, which are large, bounding, salivating animals, usually with bad breath. I am not talking about those little squeaky things you can hold on your lap and carry around. Zoologically speaking, these are not dogs at all; they are members of the pillow family.

Funny, Dog, Humorous

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

Drinking, Book, Eye

"The Taming of the Screw". Book by Dave Barry, 1983.

And that's the wonderful thing about family travel: it provides you with experiences that will remain locked forever in the scar tissue of your mind.

Travel, Memorable, Forever

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.53, Ballantine Books

The Russians will never be able to get their missiles thought the dense protective layer of delayed flights circling over the United States in complex, puke-inducing holding patterns.

Funny, Humorous, Food

If everybody were a guy, the human race could easily get by on less than one twentieth the current number of shoes.

Shoes, Numbers, Race

Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys”, p.155, Ballantine Books

One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium.

Funny, Humorous, Keys

Dave Barry (1997). “Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States”

Although a science fair can seem like a big "pain" it can help you understand important scientific principles, such as Newton's First Law of Inertia, which states: "A body at rest will remain at rest until 8:45 p.m. the night before the science fair project is due, at which point the body will come rushing to the body's parents, who are already in their pajamas, and shout, 'I JUST REMEMBERED THE SCIENCE FAIR IS TOMORROW AND WE GOTTA GO TO THE STORE RIGHT NOW!'"

Pain, Science, Night

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